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4 Things That Are True

February 19, 2007 | Category: In My Life

The other night I got in the Passat, turned up the music, set the seat warmers to '5' (also known as the 'Holy Shit You Could Cook an Egg on my Ass!' level), and hopped on the Eisenhower Expressway so I could sauvely idle my way into the city.

Yeah, it's hard to be humble when you're in gridlock on a Saturday night.

Me and a girlfriend went to see Breach. The movie about the spy, Robert Hansson. Good movie, although not as good as The Queen. But I'm rambling.

The spy says to the clerk - 'Tell me 5 things about yourself, 4 of them true...'

That really caught my imagination.

Sunday morning, after pancakes and sausage, I asked Bear to do it. He said:

1) I have lots of freckles
2) I like using my manners
3) Other people tell me I'm polite
4) I don't like being polite
5) I'm good at karate

I grinned at him. "Don't tell me I'm cute. I hate being cute!" he warned as I opened my mouth to say something.

So I just kissed his nose.

Then I asked CD the question. Half an hour later, he was still struggling with an answer. "This isn't so hard, Daddy," Bear told him. But CD never talks about himself. And when he's coming out of a relapse into Depression, which he is now, he is also digging out of an isolationist imperative. Eventually he came up with some things about his childhood.

It wasn't a bad list, although I guess his lie too.

I've been struggling with this post. Struggling with what to say. So instead of tying myself up in prosaic circles - here instead are 5 things about me.

4 of them are true.

1) I love Chicago. I have loved this city since I first stepped foot in it.

Every other family member I have, on both sides, lives within driving distance of the ocean. I have often felt like a cuckoo's egg because I was happy here. But I woke up recently and realized, I'm not. Not anymore. And that maybe no opportunities for anywhere else ever came real because I wasn't really ready to leave.

Now I am. Which is what started the conversation that led to CD and I deciding to emigrate to Canada.


2) Symmetries fascinate me. Beats and patterns twirl in my head unbidden.

But not in the usual way. Like Tom Cruise and Heath Ledger.

OK? First, these two guys are out there, partnered up with Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman, who are great friends. That goes on for a good long while, and then it ends.

Naomi and Nicole? Still pals. But Toma nd Heath are off the hook - no longer freinds-in-law who have to make nice while the women chat.

Ah, maybe not. Tom Cruise and Heath Ledger decide to move on to Dawson's Creek - there were two female leads on the show, Katie Holmes and Michelle Williams.

In the fall of 2005, Tom and Katie announce their having a baby. 2 weeks later, Heath and Michelle Williams actually have their baby. And eventually, both couple marry.

Jeez. It's not like I want this stuff stuffing my thoughts. But there it is, in my brain. Health Ledger and Tom Cruise. And their women. Gak.

3) I have managed to make peace with Bear's school. I cheerfully planned a great Valentine's Day party, per my Room Parent official duty book. The principal and I reached an agreement to disagree place where I think we're both managing to respect each other's positions. When I delivered the banner Bear made as his project for the 100'th Day of School celebration, I really felt part of the school community.


4) I have been over 200 pounds now for almost 5 years. I have decided to do something drastic, since all reasonable measures continue to fail. I am considering letting a surgeon place a rubber band around my stomach to controll how many calories I can physically ingest. Just thinking about it scares the crap out of me, especially since a lot of the reason behind it feels like vanity. But I know that the long-term effects of obesity are heinous, so it all feels... crazy inside.

Especially when I do something like a project with Bear about the concept of 'What is alive?' and we make homemade pretzels (it was an experiment for both of us!). They came out great, but I felt guilty even trying one with him. Instead of being able to nibble and have the conversation about yeast - I was thinking 'oh these are fattening, how can I even bite into this?' It's just a fucked up way to live.


5) During my 100 Days of Wild Winds one of the basic questions I asked myself was if I should dismantle this blog. I decided that I would, because I need the absolute ripping honesty that comes from a private place - and this one? Has my real name on it, searchable to just about the uh .. entire planet.

But each time I take that breath to start the end, I can't do it. I am addicted to it. I am addicted to you. I am addicted to Cheryl and Kalisah and Helen and Suzanne and Kimberly and Michelle and Jim and oh.... stopping before I fry my hand. I am addicted to this community of write and read and share and breathe. And I don't know what to do now, when before I was so sure.

I've spent a lot of time admiring the new front door (yes, for those who remember.. the 'thwacka' door that rode 900 miles on our van).... thinking about how I can save this and me. No answers have floated in with snow, though.

Damn snow.

front door

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OMG, those pretzels are killing me . . . they look AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Jen_Jakesmom on February 22, 2007 09:52 AM

Nice door! I say the making peace with school is the untrue thing too! I hope it is not giving up the blog. The Canada idea is interesting. How long are you going to make us wait before you tell us which is the untruth?

Posted by: fannneee on February 20, 2007 10:12 PM

I'm guessing the lie is about bear's school. I totally understand how you feel about your blog. The biggest mistake I ever made was telling my folks about my blog. They then told the rest of the family. Ever since then (about a year ago now) to say its no fun to write would be an understatement. I'd love to continue reading your writing though so if you ever do switch to another blog please drop me an e-mail.

Posted by: Kelly on February 20, 2007 02:25 PM

I can't decide if the false ones are about emigrating to Canada or the peace accord with Bear's school.

The universe has a way of self correcting. I've been obsessing over this since the last episode of LOST. Things can twist and turn all they like but in the end it's all in the hands of the universe. And now we meditate. ;)

I've been talking to my doctor about the lapband. He was all "dude, you have more than 100 pounds to lose!" And I was all "duh! but I don't want to it to be permanent!" Then he was all "but if you want to lose that much then you'll have to look into gastric bypass." Jury is still out for me. I'll be keeping an eye on you if and when you go down that path.

It's amazing how when your name is suddenly on something that you put up some walls that are etched so you can see some but not all of what's going on. I think everyone who has their name out there or who has a blog that their friends and family have found feel the need to flee and find a place that's anonymous and safe. I hope you don't scram to points unknown without letting some of us know where you are.... but then that would sort of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?


Posted by: Michele on February 20, 2007 12:04 AM