Vote!

August 31, 2005 | Category: In My Life

OK, I actually went and attempted to make a poll. My first, and it has somehow turned my site green but I have decided that this is a good thing.

The Map, She is a-pinned

| Category: In My Life

OK, first of let me say to all Minnesotans that the Twin Cities do indeed rock. And not just because I am all about the snow (really, I am like a reverse lizard). Also, there's the throwing my hat in the air and twirling on a street corner thing - which I could do all day and night, you betcha.

And the "Midwest IT Corridor" (No! It's Real! Really real! Not like Sasquatch. Really! They said so in a magazine article that one time!) is anchored there (*cough* Seymour Cray *cough*).

So we're planning, so far, 3 scouting trips. One to the Pacific Northwest. One to Denver. And one up Wisconsin as far towards Minnesota as we get before the snow gets too bad and we have to kill the tauntauns to stay warm.

I was telling this to my friend this afternoon and she replied, in her best scary movie voice, "....I see white people."

She had a point. It's hard to imagine living in a place with little diversity. A place where good Thai can't be had at 2AM. A place without a big water, where you can skip rocks and watch the clouds reflected.

When CD asked me, would I be willing to move in order to have my dream of being a SAHM, and I said yes. I meant yes. I am excited to announce "Yes!" But that won't mean it will be easy.

I wrote a long email to a friend in Denver about our choices. I said that our long-term goals were crashing into our daily life. As long as we live here, I have to work. The cost of living is just too high - no matter how frugal we try to be.

So we search for a place with a thriving tech base, low cost of living. An amazing neighborhood. A house full of character. Where the landscape will feed our souls.

A Pin, A Map, and A Dream

August 30, 2005 | Category: This Old House

Updated: 8/30:

OK, here's what we're researching so far based on your recommendations:
*Colorado
*Upstate New York
*Wisconsin
*Twin Cities (although that seems FAR off the beaten path)
*New England
*Canada (Toronto, Vancouver or Ottawa - all contingent on them letting yet another Yank in. Oh, and my company sponsoring me.)
* Oregon/Seattle - I know, different states, but probably the same scouting trip. Although CD wants it noted, for the record, that he is like a plant and needs a certain amount of sun. We have heard rumors that there is no sun in the Pacific NW of the US. This is probably a dastardly lie, right? Also, and not that anyone is counting, but I have more than 1 ex in the Seattle area.

Places on the 'probably not' list:

*RTP and NC as a whole (I have spent a LOT of time in RTP and not only can I attest to the beauty - I can attest to the heat, the traffic, the humidity and the GODAWFUL GREEN CRAP that falls from the sky every spring and sticks to everything like bird snot on crazy glue.)

* Montana (Although I LOVE Cheryl, I travelled to Butte once. Ever land in Butte? And then, you know, drive down the butte into Butte? In the snow? Ok, 'nuf said.)

*Georgia (Although, for the amount of time I have spent in the Atlanta airport they should charge me state income tax. Just too hot. And not just in August.)

*UK (I lived there in '94 and I LOVED it. I cried for 3 months after I got back to the states. But my company will not sponsor me there. And we can not afford to live there without a work visa. We can barely afford to live there WITH a work visa. Seriously, we would be squatting with my dear friends in the North, taking showers with that hand-held thing while sitting in the tub and wondering how we could afford the next pint of petrol. Or gin.)

Still taking suggestions. And now I am looking at neighborhoods....

**********************************************************
For about two years now, we've been aware that we have an opportunity to move. Anywhere.

I telecommute, and my husband currently works for a company with locations uh... everywhere.

So even though we'll probably move to the quaint little Bedford Falls town just over the road from our current home in Pleasantville, we aren't.... sure.

Where would you move? If you were up for an adventure, and could go?

We want a good school system for Bear, but on the other hand I could homeschool. We want a place that is beautiful to feed our soul - water, hills, green. We need a somewhat nearby tech corridor. And we need snow and winter and really, as few 80+ days as possible.

Ideas? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Crossroads

| Category: Mother to the First Power

We have been weighing our priorities. Bear has decided we need a second floor. Of course, he's also decreed that he only should use toothpaste on Sundays. Also? Naps on Tuesdays, but only if he's tired first and I make him a sippy cup of chocolate Instant Breakfast - heavy on the chocolate.

Furthermore, he feels any new house should have a bedroom for Nana and another one for his Auntie Dee - who he wants to marry when he grows up. Because Police Officers are real people when they aren't working and plus he's going to be an Archeologist Police Officer. And a daddy.

One of my former bosses here at Mega asked me today if I would follow him join his team at our offices in Australia for a couple of years. He would sponsor the visas for CD and I. He needs strong PM's, and he's offered this before - and I am sorely tempted. But it would mean going into an office every day. Oh. And being half a PLANET away from my family and friends. And that snow I like so much? Yeah, not so much.

I look around, and realize that my impotent anger at being stuck in a house that doesn't work is fading. I see the future as possibility now. It helps soothe some of the bruised parts of me.

I looked at CD last night and said "With the money we'll get from the sale of this house, we could just bum around the world with Bear."

"You mean a vacation? Or a month?"

I blinked and thought. "No, I mean, for a year."

I said it out loud

August 26, 2005 | Category: In My Life

When we (and I mean me) were writing our vows, I included the promise that we would be partners in parenthood.

I said it out loud. And I meant it. But the truth is that I am the primary parent -I research the care options, I take care of the insurance and the appointments, I do most of the driving, I make the recommendations (and most of the decisions) about schooling and activties. I am the one who is permanently flexible to accomodate changes in schedule.

And I am so sick of it. I am so sick of being shot down and patronized. I want someone who suits up with their own opinions, who is as invested as a I am in the long-term, who is right there in the trenches with me.

You see CD and Bear together and you know that these two just adore each other. And then you see me, the pack mule following behind with kit, the kaboodle, the immunization chart, the babysitting schedule, the bag of holding, and the exhausted expression.

It is this just how it is?

Get Over It

August 25, 2005 | Category: Family, It's a Trip

Warning: If you're tired of my complaining - you know, "I hate my job because I want to be home with kid" - then skip this post.

It has been a bad day. And I am hurting.

Not just because some freak cut me off in the parking lot (did she think she was in NEW YORK? There were a dozen other open parking spaces all around us, but no - she had to jump into the one I was heading into - racing around me with a squeal at like mach 10, causing me to thank my stars CD keeps the van and its brakes maintained regularly).

So. The day. The bad part. It started this morning, when CD was heading into work. He has a lot of flexibility with his schedule, so I shouldn't have been upset that he didn't leave until 10AM.

But it triggered a flashback to the dark times, you know? And all the fear and shaking crawled from my mind into my body. It was just after Bear was born, when CD's darkness began to expand into our lives. One of those first symptoms was a persistant tardiness. To try and help him fight the lethargy that would cause him to miss his train, I would drive CD into work each morning. Bear would cry the entire way because he had an unsual infant's motion sickness.

Ultimately, it did no good.

Flash forward to this morning, and CD is back at work. But I remain skittish and twice shy.

So even if we sold the house and moved somewhere with a cheaper cost of living, even if I belt-tightened, even if I home-schooled instead of the $900/month Montessori, even if I didn't have a babysitter or any other assistance. Even if all those things happened and we actually had enough dollars (which we wouldn't), it wouldn't be enough.

Because in my heart of hearts, I am not sure I could trust. I would be afraid that the darkness would return to claim CD. I am terrified that CD could sink again, and I would be desperately seeking a way to save our home and tend to our son.

So my deepest desire is out of reach. Which is probably why I'm told again and again to "get over it".

But I don't know how.

At this very moment, my son is at the park with his babysitter and I am in front of my computer, working. Is he warm? Safe? Is it going to start raining again? Does he have a raincoat? Is he being guided in fair play and good sportsmanship? Is Elia chatting with her boyfriend or is she watching? Is he tired for a nap yet?

He had McDonald's for lunch, because I had no time to deal with it. I was 15 minutes late for my therapist's appointment because I then had to rush back to the McDonald's and pick them up when they discovered that the PlayPlace was closed for repairs. I reluctantly dropped them off at her place, where her boyfriend's car was parked out front like a huge warning that she had other distractions. I wondered if I would hear more stories from Bear about how "boyfriends and girlfriends nap together" or if my conversation with Elia is still ringing in her ears.

Then my therapist told me he was prescribing me Ambien so I would get some sleep. No more Lexapro, maybe something else. He hunted through my family history for bipolar disorder.

$170 an hour, this guy. And we weren't even talking about issues.

I said to him "Look, I am not bipolar, and I don't want drugs. The problem here is in my life."

He told me that he needed me to be well-rested so I could deal with that very thing.

I said to him "Look, I keep being told to get over it. But what am I supposed to get over? My son is 4 years old, with one year left before he starts full-day school. I waited until I was in my mid-30's to have him because I believe with every drop of my blood that I should be a stay-at-home mom. I had my ducks in a row, and they were shot out of the water. And now, every single frigging day, I HAND MY SON OVER. Do you understand? Do you?"

He told me our time was up.

As I walked back to the car, to pick up Bear and Elia and drive them back to my house, to finish updating my project plans and prepare for more meetings, to make dinner, to drive Elia home again and my son to karate, I called CD. I told him to alert our bookkeeper to the check I'd written.

He yelled at me for not getting the insurance to cover it up front.

I tried not to cry all the way home.

Get Over It.

As if.

(End. Rant.) (Start. Chocolate.)

This is not a test

August 24, 2005 | Category: Well, That Was Random

So, we're back.

Now I actually have to do something about backing up my files. *sigh*

and Pixy Misa, who owns and administrates the "mu.nu" domain is proven, yet again, to be a superhero.

I guess he's glad to be home

August 22, 2005 | Category: Mother to the First Power

Me: Good Morning.

Bear: Good Morning! (Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!)

Me: Uh, what are you doing up so (glance at clock) freakishly early?

Bear: It's a BEAUTIFUL day, Mommy! I'm really excited! Can we start now?

Me: Uh, sure.

Bear: Yay!

He's a Breast Man

August 21, 2005 | Category: Mother to the First Power

Me and the Bear are hanging out tonight. Other than a long trip to the town zero-depth water park, zippedee has gotten done today. CD's off at some work emergency.

Curled up on the couch, watching Power Rangers - but not an episode with the mass-murderer in it. And out of nowhere, he sticks his head up my t-shirt and rests his face between my breasts.

At some point, I'm going to wonder what triggered my almost-five-year-old to regress....

Me: Hey, what doing?

Bear: Nothing.

Me: Then why is your head up my shirt?

Bear: Because I like your breasties.

Me: That's nice, sweetie. But your head belongs somewhere else.

Bear: Where?

Me: Anywhere else (rearranging him).

Bear: I miss your milk.

Me: Hmmm?

Bear: When I was a baby, I drank milk from your breasts.

Me: Uh, yes. Yes, you did.

Bear: Why did I have to stop?

Me: You didn't have to, honey. It was just time, and you let me know you were excited to do other things.

Bear: Like what?

Me: Uh, walk?

Bear: Oh. OK. And help pick tomatoes?

Me: Uh, sure. You want to go do that now?

Bear: Yes!

*whew*

The Top Ten List

August 19, 2005 | Category:

I haven't had time yet to make a filmstrip, so here is a handful of pictures "in the buff", so to speak. They were taken Wednesday afternoon during our unexpected and delightful discovery of Lake Erie State Park in the grape region of upstate New York.

Ready?

Top Ten Best Memories from the last 2 Weeks:

10. Bear's excitement at his and CD's capture of a dozen hermit crabs on the bay side of the Chatham beach.

9. The pale cream tan I almost have.

8. The announcement I made as I was finishing my last work call before we left - that my cell phone had broken I would be completely out of pocket for the next two weeks.

7. The realization as we drove home that I had actually left my job utterly behind.

6. The look on my mother's face when I left some Lobster go uneaten - because I was stuffingly, blissfully, FULL of seafood.

5. The feel of the granite beneath my fingertips when we finally found my grandmother's grave in the ancient Melrose cemetary.

4. The squeal and giggle of Bear as he and CD smashed into me full-speed during an early morning bumper boats outing.

3. CD and Bear hugging me when I had a small breakdown about how I looked in a bathing suit. And CD whispering in my ear "You're the most beautiful woman in the world to the two of us..."

2. Watching CD teach Bear how to skip rocks during an unexpected sunny afternoon at Lake Erie State Park.

1. My son, with water wings firmly on his arms, pushing off from the steps and swimming for the first time in his life - the length of a pool, several times!

And the nicest things about being home? Finding RED tomatoes in the garden, our comfy mattress and sheets to sleep on, high-speed internet (oh, how I love thee... Realtor.Com!), reconnecting with my blog, the blogworld, and my friends, and Not living out of a suitcase!

Blink Blink Yawn... are we there yet?

August 18, 2005 | Category: In My Life

In a development that stunned the long-distance travelling world, it took us 31 hours to get home. This is a new family record, people! The longest we've ever taken to drive the 1120 miles previously is 27 hours.

That kind of meandering takes talent and focus.

Oh. Stars. Now I have to unpack.

On The Road Again

August 09, 2005 | Category: In My Life

We left Thursday.

Since then, we have: driven 1260 miles, go-karted, slept in a smelly Days Inn in Erie, Pennsylvania, bumper boated, found the rental house on Cape Cod, been to the beach, eaten seafood, bounced on a trampoline, hunted for shells, caught hermit crabs, patted a skunk at the zoo, slathered aloe vera on the sunburn, shopped at quaint stores, listened to a free big band concert in a methodist church, sampled several ice cream stores, cleaned the sand out of the van, and ridden a pony. OK, I did not personally ride a pony. But Bear did, and I have pictures to prove it.

We've got another 4 days of this happiness.

So I'm typing this from the wifi-enabled Brooks Free Library in Harwichport, Massachusetts. I'm the one in the lime green halter top and jean skirt in the fiction section, between Len Deighton and John Irving. Please, I beg you...bring coffee. And a flask of liquor.

Hurry.

Not so fast, said the doctor...

August 03, 2005 | Category: In My Life

At my doctor's appointment today, I mentioned that my hands had started hurting - especially at night - once in a while since I went on these beta blockers.

She looked down at my hands, with the dusky fingertips, and back up at me.

"It just isn't going to be easy for you..." she said with a sigh, as she changed my prescription.

It's called Raynaud's Phenomenon, a syndrome probably triggered by my Lupus.

I asked about the treatment. She said that when I woke up with these stinging pains, I should put my hands in warm water until the sensation passed.

"Well, OK," I told her. "But you understand that it's no win if my fingers stop hurting but I wet the bed."

"Absolutely," she agreed. "On the other hand, I hear they're making Depends in coordinating colors now."

Enough with the bad news

| Category: Well, That Was Random

Sometimes it is easy to forget that miracles happen, and good things come to good people.

This made my day: Chez Miscarriage: Sleep. Yeah. That Was A Good Plan.

Countdown

August 02, 2005 | Category: Family, It's a Trip

In 3 days, we will be on the road for our annual pilgrimage to the East Coast.

Away from my crazy manager (who got in an argument with me today about my use of the phrase "work package"). Away from the politics of my current assignment. Away from this old house and its clutter and chaos and half-finished projects. Away from living and working and sleeping in the same 100 square feet.

I will make sand castles at the beach and ignore my vericose veins and chubby legs (and hope everyone else does, too). I will slather Bear and I in sunscreen and splash in the waves. I will hold my husband's hand as we walk.

It is time again to pack up the van and drive 950 miles to where I come from.

Tom Cruise Is Wrong

August 01, 2005 | Category: In My Life

Well, I've been off the LexaPro for several days and I have one thing to say: Tom Cruise has his head firmly wedged up his heinie. I'd send him a can opener to help him with that, but with all these international mailing security concerns it just wouldn't do. So here's my advice: Katie! Grab the Crisco! Your boy needs some lube and a whole lotta help!

Let me take you back, back to last night at 1:10AM. I'd been in bed for a couple of hours, trying to sleep. After a bathroom visit, I notice as I peek from the hallway that my son is still in the same position as when he fell asleep.

10 minutes later, from my side of the bed....

Me: Pssst, CD? Honey?

CD: Mrhmf?

Me: Can you go check on Bear?

CD: Mrhurdihrumf?

Me: He's still in the same position as when he fell asleep.... (voice trails off with the following thought deeply embedded in the silence: "... and he usually flops like a fish in his sleep ending upside down and backwards by now so obviously something DRASTIC has happened and I am too terrified to go check for myself...")

[pause for the whir of the air conditioner]

CD: Hrm, OK.

A few seconds later.... he stumbles back into bed.

CD: He's fine, honey.

Me: And you checked...

CD: He's breathing, he's sleeping, he's fine.

And then? Then I was relieved enough that I could get up myself and check. I sat in my son's room, watching his chubby hands and toes stretch as he snored softly. I thought about moving him from this house he loves so much, with these wonderful neighbors. I thought about how sad it would make him. I thought about the fleeting nature of childhood and how the mistakes we make as parents echo through a lifetime. I thought about all the evilmongers who would harm my child if they could.

I got myself into such a tizzy that it took me over an hour to get back to sleep.

So what have we learned? That my current levels of anxiety had mutated me into Shirley MacLaine in "Terms of Endearment". I am Aurora, crazy lady from Chicago. It took a few years of advanced stress squishing me like a bug, but it's official - I've passed some kind of threshold into a bad, strange, spinning place.

I am calling Dr. Wonderful. I'm gonna tell him that Tom Cruise is Wrong, that just because Lexapro didn't work that I am not giving up. I need a new drug, and a kind voice.

And I need it now.