« This is not a test | I said it out loud »


Get Over It

August 25, 2005 | Category: Family, It's a Trip



Warning: If you're tired of my complaining - you know, "I hate my job because I want to be home with kid" - then skip this post.

It has been a bad day. And I am hurting.

Not just because some freak cut me off in the parking lot (did she think she was in NEW YORK? There were a dozen other open parking spaces all around us, but no - she had to jump into the one I was heading into - racing around me with a squeal at like mach 10, causing me to thank my stars CD keeps the van and its brakes maintained regularly).

So. The day. The bad part. It started this morning, when CD was heading into work. He has a lot of flexibility with his schedule, so I shouldn't have been upset that he didn't leave until 10AM.

But it triggered a flashback to the dark times, you know? And all the fear and shaking crawled from my mind into my body. It was just after Bear was born, when CD's darkness began to expand into our lives. One of those first symptoms was a persistant tardiness. To try and help him fight the lethargy that would cause him to miss his train, I would drive CD into work each morning. Bear would cry the entire way because he had an unsual infant's motion sickness.

Ultimately, it did no good.

Flash forward to this morning, and CD is back at work. But I remain skittish and twice shy.

So even if we sold the house and moved somewhere with a cheaper cost of living, even if I belt-tightened, even if I home-schooled instead of the $900/month Montessori, even if I didn't have a babysitter or any other assistance. Even if all those things happened and we actually had enough dollars (which we wouldn't), it wouldn't be enough.

Because in my heart of hearts, I am not sure I could trust. I would be afraid that the darkness would return to claim CD. I am terrified that CD could sink again, and I would be desperately seeking a way to save our home and tend to our son.

So my deepest desire is out of reach. Which is probably why I'm told again and again to "get over it".

But I don't know how.

At this very moment, my son is at the park with his babysitter and I am in front of my computer, working. Is he warm? Safe? Is it going to start raining again? Does he have a raincoat? Is he being guided in fair play and good sportsmanship? Is Elia chatting with her boyfriend or is she watching? Is he tired for a nap yet?

He had McDonald's for lunch, because I had no time to deal with it. I was 15 minutes late for my therapist's appointment because I then had to rush back to the McDonald's and pick them up when they discovered that the PlayPlace was closed for repairs. I reluctantly dropped them off at her place, where her boyfriend's car was parked out front like a huge warning that she had other distractions. I wondered if I would hear more stories from Bear about how "boyfriends and girlfriends nap together" or if my conversation with Elia is still ringing in her ears.

Then my therapist told me he was prescribing me Ambien so I would get some sleep. No more Lexapro, maybe something else. He hunted through my family history for bipolar disorder.

$170 an hour, this guy. And we weren't even talking about issues.

I said to him "Look, I am not bipolar, and I don't want drugs. The problem here is in my life."

He told me that he needed me to be well-rested so I could deal with that very thing.

I said to him "Look, I keep being told to get over it. But what am I supposed to get over? My son is 4 years old, with one year left before he starts full-day school. I waited until I was in my mid-30's to have him because I believe with every drop of my blood that I should be a stay-at-home mom. I had my ducks in a row, and they were shot out of the water. And now, every single frigging day, I HAND MY SON OVER. Do you understand? Do you?"

He told me our time was up.

As I walked back to the car, to pick up Bear and Elia and drive them back to my house, to finish updating my project plans and prepare for more meetings, to make dinner, to drive Elia home again and my son to karate, I called CD. I told him to alert our bookkeeper to the check I'd written.

He yelled at me for not getting the insurance to cover it up front.

I tried not to cry all the way home.

Get Over It.

As if.

(End. Rant.) (Start. Chocolate.)


Share: Delicious Delicious! | Stumble It! | Slashdot  Slashdot It!
Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life
TrackBack (0)



Comments


I'm really sorry, Elizabeth, and for me too, in advance: I'm afraid of this whole day happening to me in a few years if Casey can't get off his ass and find a job and instead forces me to go back to work. Although I think if that happens, it's Goodbye, Charlie.

Bleah. I wish I had something useful to say instead of just seeing my future in your words.

Posted by: Anna on August 26, 2005 09:48 PM


uugh, I'm sorry Elizabeth. I'm thinking of you. Yes, maybe time to find a new therapist. A good night's sleep is a priority, but I hear you on the drug thing.

Posted by: Kris on August 26, 2005 03:33 PM


I'm sorry Elizabeth. This post struck a chord with me because I am waiting to have a child until I am 30 also, and I figure that my "ducks will all be in a row". I understand the desire to wait and not just jump in without thinking, and the thought that after all that waiting it wouldn't work out gave me the chills.

I'm trying to think of intermediate solutions between staying home full-time and working full-time too, but I figure that you don't really need assvice, you just need us to listen.

I hope hope hope that you can find a solution that works for all of you. Hugs.

Posted by: halloweenlover on August 26, 2005 11:44 AM


You have already had some fabulous advice and i don't really feel qualified to add my opinion. I just wanted to offer you the closest thing to a ((((hug)))) that there can be via blog!
I havent been around in a while and i am so sorry that things are so tough on you at the moment.

Abs x

Posted by: abs on August 26, 2005 10:48 AM


I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to say except that you have every right to go have the feelings you have and no one should ever tell you to "get over it".

I hope everything works out for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Crystal on August 26, 2005 10:29 AM


E -
I've read your post 3 times through and all I can say is I'm so sorry that you're going through this and if I was an IRL friend I would be on your doorstep in microseconds to give you a Hug. But, hugs only go so far, and living life sometimes sucks every bit of will to live out of you, and there is no way to just get over it, and people who say that have never walked through the hell you've been through and my comment will never be enough to help you get through this. Please keep writing, even if its privately because it appears to be providing more therapy than Dr. Your Time Is Up.

Posted by: Cursingmama on August 26, 2005 09:52 AM


Hi E,

I am an occasional lurker, but first-time commenter. ((((Hugs))))

I understand your problems and feel that people who tell you to "get over it" have no clue.

Take care of yourself. At the very least, know that you are not alone in feeling as you do, nor are you unjustified.

One word of advice - keep away from these fancy-shmancy prescription meds. I know someone who is now addicted to anti-depressants and sleep meds - it has changed her as a person. She has three little kids.

Take care of yourself.

Posted by: Empathetic on August 26, 2005 07:19 AM


With an hourly rate at $170, your therapist sounds more like a psychiatrist, and in my experience, they tend to focus more on the meds and spend very little time talking about the issues. I used to see both a psychiatrist for my meds (which truly helped) and a wonderful therapist who did nothing but discuss the issues and help me problem solve. I was also prescribed Ambien but didn't take it - I've heard too many stories about people getting addicted. So instead, I take an occassional glug of Nyquil and I sleep like a baby. I was as hopeless as you feel right now and I thought I would go mad trying to "figure out the solution." It will happen, don't give up your hope and belief. You are a Can-Do woman and you will find the right solution. I just know it.

Posted by: Jill on August 25, 2005 10:55 PM


Hello E,

I wanted to share my opinion. I've been in theraphy for almost 2 years. For a while I dropped out. The psych dr I had left the practice and the new one freaks me out. I do see a therapist with a social work degree, he's awsome. Very non-medical. I know people search their whole lives for a match in mental health.
I had to have something close to work, because I try so hard to squeeze it in every week to two.

My advice, if you want anymore, check around and see if there's someone else you can see. I know insurance can be tricky. Having a spouse dealing with darkness also dampen's the situation. I was told just yesterday, I have an avoidance disorder.
It's taken over 1 year to uncover this. I also looked it up online and I really fit all the fields for the problems. As for ambien, I'm hooked on it, I need it every night. The dr keeps giving it to me so I must needed it. I've lost the ability to fall asleep on my own. This has been going on for about 2 years, I've had health problems too. I wish I could go away for a while and Chill.

I also have a 4 year old and we are not attending school full time this year either. Daycare/preschool yes, real school no. So good luck with your healing.

Another Jennifer

Posted by: another jennifer on August 25, 2005 08:30 PM


Elizabeth - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there. And keep writing - for me that helps so much.

I agree with Polichick that maybe this particular doctor isn't right for you. Also, is there a possibility of getting a new babysitter? Not being able to trust your sitter adds so much to the stress.

On the Ambien front - when I really have trouble falling asleep, it works wonders but I usually wake up a bit groggy and I don't necessarily feel well rested. In my totally non-expert opinion, I wonder how much that will really help you.

Posted by: Jessica on August 25, 2005 04:59 PM


Your time is up? And don't forget to make the check payable to cash, right?

I'm sorry, E. I wish I could do more than that.

Posted by: RP on August 25, 2005 04:06 PM


Your husband probably yelled at you because he feels just as bad about the situation as you do but doesn't know how to express it. Men are funny like that.

Is it possible that your faith could help you through this? I know you're a spiritual person. It could be that you keeping your job really is the right thing for your family, and you just haven't figured out why yet.

My doctor had the same stupid bipolar discussion with me. It really irked me to waste all that time (at $$$/hour) to discuss an illness that I know I don't have. It's a hot-button issue in psychiatry these days, because if you are bipolar and they prescribe an SSRI and you become suicidal, you could sue the pants off them. It's all about the money. Theirs, not yours. ;-)

Have you considered working part-time, or taking that sabbatical that you were considering? Most companies will let you work part-time for a while, and at your level of seniority you might be eligible for a sabbatical soon. Both my company and my husband's company offered a three-month sabbatical after five years of executive-level service.

I know from personal experience how frustrating it is to not be able to spend your days the way you hoped and planned. (In my case, I desperately did NOT want to stay home with a child all day.) I also know how dwelling on that disappointment can ruin your health and relationships.

You may not be the full-time mother that you'd hoped, but you're obviously doing a great job. Bear is happy, healthy, smart, and creative. Isn't that what really matters in the long run?

Posted by: notdonnareed on August 25, 2005 03:54 PM


Get over it?! Get over what? The desire to spend your days with your son? Get over wanting more from your life? Get over hoping your husband can pull his weight? What exactly are you supposed to be getting over? Who is giving you this advice?! No! Don't get over it! This is your life, not a cold bug!

Posted by: Tammy on August 25, 2005 03:29 PM


Have you considered changing therapists? Because this guy, really doesn't sound like the right one for you. :-\

I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. I can't imagine what all of this must feel like, how many walls leaning in on all sides. You are amazing. Keep it up, one day at a time.

Posted by: Polichick on August 25, 2005 03:20 PM