Is that the way it is? Yes and no, I think every family is different and takes on the roles they need to to get through the day, the week, life... I quit working to be a SAHM, do I love it, not really, do I think it's the best choice for my family, absolutely. My husband works long hours, so even when I was still working PT after my first son was born, I had the bulk of child duty, and obviously do now. I make 90% of the decisions about the kids, I take them to all their appts, manage school, set playdates, take care of the bills, the house, etc... BUT, big but, my husband knows that when he's home he is here to help, and is great at giving me my much needed reprieves whether it be from the boys or house related things.

This was not a given from the getgo, we've had many discussions/arguements about this very subject.

Nope - it's not just how it is. But, when you have your first kid together, my experience is that you kind of "tussle" over who gets to do take care of the baby. Many times the mommy wins out and the daddy eventually gives in. At some point, mommy realizes she can't do everthing, and has to get the daddy to pitch in again.

I don't recommend it, but I've unintentionally gone on strike a few times when I've had my fill of "childcare stuff". My hubby always notices, gets worried and steps up to the plate. Now that my kids are two and four, he knows he needs to step up and take care of stuff when I'm fed up. It gives me a much needed break when he does, plus it makes him feel useful. I believe he even enjoys it. He doesn't always do things the way I do them, but he's gotten good at anticipating my expectations and trying to meet them. But then, I've tried to stop critiquing him, too. So, our situation has become more of a team effort than a "me" effort. I try not to take it personally when he makes parenting recommendations. Relationships always evolve, and time is your friend. Ya gotta find a way to tell him so he'll listen, even if it entails going on strike to get your message across... I'm so not proud of going on strike, but I guess it was a subconscious cry for help when I reached my limit....

That's pretty much the way it is at my house, and I like it that way. In my opinion, things work better when one person is in charge. Don't get me wrong, I delegate plenty. My husband is responsible for breakfast every morning and the bath every night. On the weekends, he's responsible for the park and Chuck E. Cheese outings. Sometimes I go with, sometimes not. The only time it's ever bothered me to be the one in charge is when things weren't going well (couldn't find a good preschool, having trouble with potty training). Those were the times I resented my husband for not being more involved, but the truth was that I just wanted him to fix it so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. When things are going smoothly, I'm more than happy to be the one who chooses preschools, schedules doctor's appointments, buys clothes, etc. I feel very lucky that my husband takes such an active interest in parenting (and I guess it depends on your expectations). He visits the preschools with me, when he has time. He attends most doctors appointments, especially if shots are involved. He distracts little boy while I cut his hair. He takes the initiative to give manicures/pedicures when needed. He participates in discipline, so I don't have to be the bad guy. But I'd still describe his role as a deputy, rather than a co-manager, and that suits the control freak in me just fine. :-)

If that's how it was around my house, it wouldn't be anything at all in short order. It's definitely not the way it should be.

I think we were married 8 years before we finally figured that out. The good news is we did. But then, we wanted to, I guess.

For a lighter moment, get a copy of the CD "Momnipotent" by Nancy White, and listen to the track called "The Children's Entertainer".

I don't think it has to be that way. I think it usually is, for a variety of reasons, all very well expressed by others before me.

It isn't that way for me, but I'm in a second marriage. I was much less idealistic, much more realistic. We both had kids. Issues were discussed clearly, strategies developed, tried out, evaluated. Far fewer surprises. But not the same as a first marriage.

I would say sit down and talk about what your husband can do to help out, but sitting down and talking doesn't always work with men. However, I've found that screaming and crying and acting like you're about to have a nervous breakdown from the PRESSURE! THE PRESSURE! That works. Men hate women crying and will do whatever it takes to keep it from happening again.

Yup, that's how it is. All my married friends say so--accept one, and they have 5 children, her hubby is not the norm. Otherwise, Mom rules and dad is just another kid.
Onward, forward....life goes on. Love your blog...great outlet for vents and other thoughts!

No, that's not "how it is." But that's "how it's become" for you. You can fix it.

It'll take hard work on both your parts, but I think you should demand it.

Yes, that is just how it is because even if the daddy wants to have "more of a say" in the upbringingor the day to day activities it will always just be more of a say. Not ever less of a say.

That's just how it is.

That's how it is around here: I plan the days and everything else; he watches him but still asks questions like "what is he having for lunch?" But I have to say, I'm not overly bothered by it: I _like_ my decisions, and I like that my word is pretty much the bottom line for our son. Since I was the breadwinner for years before, and then during, and then after the pregnancy/birth, I feel like this is my reward.

I will say it gets to me when my husband just assumes that I'm "on duty", which is all the time: if we're all three together he feels that he can wander off and do his own thing and that I'll be there to take care of TLM; he doesn't have to watch him. This cheeses me a good deal. But I live with it in order to be in charge. If I weren't, there'd be a lot more fighting around here than there already is.

I was going to leave a comment .... but I am to freaking angry. My husband and I just got into a huge fight about the same thing today...I do the one million things that need to get done around here...yet he nags and complains because I have not done number one million and one. I would go on but I feel some major swear words coming on! Where can I get me a wife? Sounds like a sweet deal!

That's how it is in my house. My husband does carry some of the load, and will do anything I ask (just about), but it's almost like having a teenage son - he "helps" me parent, rather than being the lead parent or even a true co-parent. I will say it has gotten better, however. And part of that, as Margi alluded to in her comments, is because I stopped being such a control freak (well "stopped" is a bit extreme).

Once again, you are not alone!

No. This is just NOT how it is. I know I'm lucky, I got a husband who is right beside me in everything. But I think too often women/mothers "settle" because we want the peaceful, happy scenario. We hate rocking the boat. Well, sometimes, it's gotta be rocked. You are not a pack mule. You are not enjoying this. It's time for a change.

I think we all have to stand up for ourselves in different ways. Brian spends more time playing with the kids and I spend more time doing chores. I could count on one hand the number of times he's cleaned our bathrooms. I need to insist more that he do more. Or, as you said, maybe it's just the way it always is and I'll never change him. *sigh*

Um, you may want to skip my blog today. *tears at hair*

Maybe its that way for now because of CD's mental health issues. Maybe its that way for now because you follow the path of least resistance and let him get away with making you the adult, the responsible one. Maybe, of the two of you, you're just better at being the adult. Beats me. But here's the thing, I don't think it has to be this way. Stick with it, E, and I think you'll make it work. Why? Because I think you are that good. Really.

As for the first comment: "On thw (sic) whole I think men are just not that into the "care" thing when it comes to the kids as we women are." May I just note that I think that is an absolute, unmitigated load of shite? An overgeneralization almost not worth responding to?

"Is this the way it is?"

For you and CD, maybe. I don't think any of us can judge that from just reading your blog.

For all women and all men, no. There are men who are good at that stuff and women who are bad at it.

My husband is a SAHD and more involved than almost any father I know. But I still do a fair amount of that kind of stuff, not because T. can't or won't do it, but because I can, and it makes me feel like a good mommy to do it, and because if T. took charge of it, he wouldn't ask the exact questions that I do, and I'd still worry about it.

That was my experience with the boys' dad.

And as I said to my Darling Hubby when we were dating: "I'm just so tired of having to be responsible for it all."

He's quite different, my DH. I've a feeling I'd better be prepared to give up some of my authority.

And you see -- there's MY rub. I complain because I "have to do it all," but I think the reality was that I pushed everyone else aside subconsciously thinking that no one could do the job as well as I.

Hmm. That's definitely ponderable.

At this point and with this baby, however, I'm quite ready to relax and allow for help.

xoxo

What a great description of the family dunamics.

Descibes my experience as well. On thw whole I think men are just not that into the "care" thing when it comes to the kids as we women are.

I have come to think that maybe those of us who are doers are victims of our own success. Men who are married to less capable women, unfairly (it seems to me), do do more.

During our formative years we learn to be (and learn to want to be) in charge, in control, independent. Which is as it should be.

But, it stinks that the "reward" of all that is to be called upon to do more - without any kudos whatsoever. Feels like we are being pubished for being good.

Hang in there - this too shall pass.

PS: As Bear gets older, you will see parts of you shine through and you will know that everything that you did and endured - did register.

PS2: Sometimes it feels as if we are raising our husbands to be the fathers we need tghem to be, along with raising our children. As Mothers, we have to do a better job of raising the next generation of fathers.