He would share

February 28, 2005 | Category: Mother to the First Power

Driving home today after dropping his babysitter off, Bear and I were discussing whether he felt well enough to hit the grocery store.

(He'd stayed home today with a mild case of sniffles).

We agreed we should stop in and get some food. Bear suggested that we should buy some gifts for the new baby - some family friends recently had a little girl and we've been gathering up little gifts and hand-me-downs to send.

I praised him for being thoughtful and we talked about what new babies need. He talked about how hard it was at first to think about sharing some of his baby things.

Then, after a few minutes, he said: Mommy? If we had a new baby, I would share all my toys. Even if it was a girl.

And I just about died.

They still shoot messengers, don't they? (A story about Oprah Winfrey and me)

February 25, 2005 | Category: On The Job

A little more than 10 years ago, I had quit my chaplaincy and I needed to make some money. So I signed up at every temp agency in town.

The first one sent me to basically do some electronic filing at the Chanel Store on Michigan Avenue. $7 an hour, I think.

I showed up in my vintage thrift store suit and my Hair Cuttery 'do and they quickly shoved me into the back room.

I was taught how to answer the phone and take messages and make coffee and where to hang up the lovely fur coats of their customers.

In between all that, they showed me the f*cked up computer they were using. That thing was as messed up as it could be and I started my actual assignment - organizing all their data and making back-ups.

At one point, they had me fetch a coat. "Hurry!" the woman snapped at me. "It's for OPRAH WINFREY!"

So I scurried, and the moment I got to the door that opened to the sales floor, the woman ripped the thing from my hands. But not before Oprah smiled at me for a nanosecond.

Afterwards, the boss lady came back and shouted. Was I an idiot? She demanded. Did I not understand the savoir-fair that is Chanel? I was not to be SEEN by customers. I was to reach just the coat through the door.

About 10 minutes later, the phone rang. It was Oprah Winfrey. She had left her sunglasses on the counter, and she was having her limo turn around. Oprah asked me my name, and I told her, and she asked if I could run the sunglasses out.

I told her the manager should do it.

She sighed and asked was there anyone else who was available?

I really felt for Oprah, there. I'd only spent 3 minutes with the manager and it was already obvious to me that she was quite the b*tch.

So when the limo pulled up a few minutes later, I quietly slipped the sunglasses to Oprah's driver. Oprah called out "Thank you, Elizabeth!" from the back.

Then I walked over to the Walgreens on some errand. But my ruse hadn't helped me, the manager came running back to scream at me the moment I returned.

Only the MANAGER spoke to Ms. Winfrey, you see. How DARE I speak to Ms. Winfrey? How DARE I not immediately inform the manager that Ms. Winfrey would be returning to Chanel?

I was fired on the spot.

As I walked down the sidewalk towards the bus stop, one of the sales associates came running up to me. She had a little Chanel shopping bag full of samples - perfumes, some make-up, and a giveaway change purse. I remember being extremely touched by her kindness.

I wear Chanel perfume, to this day.

Beware the Sharks

February 17, 2005 | Category: On The Job

This is how I used to be sick (Sinus Infection, Fever, Lethargic):
Call in sick to work, pile up a few boxes of kleenex and a big trash basket, a huge jug of juice on ice, and roll the TV into the bedroom. Collapse for 24 hours. Shower, Change the sheets, Eat some soup. Repeat as needed.

This is how I spend Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday:
Propped up on pillows lying in bed with my WiFi laptop on a lapdesk and my cell plugged in with the headset attached (so I could still listen while on 'Mute' and blowing my nose). Halfheartedly working despite burning through "sick days" so I wouldn't feel guilty about the 2 hours naps I would drop into without notice.

And despite this, my leash-holder (LH) asked the executives ON TUESDAY MORNING to provide a new PM to take over some of my duties since my recent illness has made my contribution 'erratic'.

(With no diresepect meant, he hastened to say).

Green Cake for Hearts Day

February 14, 2005 | Category:

Before coming down with my 3rd sinus infection in about a month, we did get some celebrating done. I've never been a big Valentine's Day fan, but once there is a kid in the house, every holiday becomes a big deal.

So yesterday while my mom was still here, Bear and his doting (and I do mean doting, in the best way) Grandmother made lots of green Valentines together. We had a special dinner (a roast) and dressed the table in red and pink and white and ate on the good china.

After dinner, we made a cake. The only thing I can bake that won't poison you. Really. I can make Fettucini Alfredo, from scratch, and it will make you purr. I can whip up a steak with potatoes Diane and a blue cheese salad that would get me a job at a steakhouse.

But I can not bake. My Tollhouse cookies are doorstops. My fudge is nauseating.

The one thing I can do is yellow cake. Usually Jiffy, but in a pinch from scratch - which is how we did it last night. Bear wanted it to be Blue for Valentine's Day, but blue food coloring + yellow batter = green cake.

That's OK, Mom. Colors are hard. You can practice, he told me.

Shockingly, even with chocolate frosting, it didn't suck. I'll take a picture of what's left (Bear really likes it) if I can stay awake long enough.

I woke up this morning thinking: Well, I'm sick. CD's got class tonight. The list of things that has to get done over the next 2 weeks is scaring me stiff. But at least we made a decent green cake for Heart's Day. That's one thing I got going for me, right?

I was wrong.

I had two things going for me. Because last night, Danny Darwin's wife left a comment on a post that is near to my heart. One of of the few that I managed to bring over from Blogspot. And I can't begin to express how that made me feel inside.

Anyway, Happy Heart's Day to everyone. I hope you get as nice a surprise as I did!

P.S. I stripped out her personal information to protect her privacy.

T Minus 12

February 09, 2005 | Category: Family, It's a Trip

Well, I have been really working hard at my job lately. Pouring myself into an overtime effort. And tomorrow morning, I give the BIG presentation. The one that really is going to knock the SOCKS of the VP. In just about 13 hours.

Through an interesting misunderstanding of the phrases "A.M." and "P.M.", my mother will be arriving at the airport at the very same time.

Priorities, Priorities, Priorities.

*sigh*

If anyone has some free time tomorrow morning, could you swing by O'Hare and pick up my mom?

Thanks.

Knock Knock, Deux

| Category: Family, It's a Trip

First you have to know that CD's been tell ing this joke a lot because it really cracks him up:

Q: How many Cubists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A fish.

As most mornings, Bear crawled in bed with me while CD was in the shower. Hey Mommy, he said. I rolled over and he grinned.

Then he giggled and said:
Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Uh, a light bulb

A light bulb, who?

Have you seen my fish?

You're Not My Friend Anymore

February 07, 2005 | Category:

Friday was CD's Lasik surgery, so I was pretty tense when I picked up Bear from preschool at lunchtime. Murphy's Law dictated that, OF COURSE, Bear had had a hard time at school.

XBoy is at it again. For some reason, he and Bear are back on the "outs" and eating snack at different tables with different packs of friends. Bear's group is clearly the "B" crowd, and includes (gasp!) a girl.

Bear's teacher says that these dramas are normal for his age. Normal, maybe. But also a pain in the ass.

Impatient and distracted, I told Bear that this would pass and that he is wonderful, yada yada yada. He asked if big people are nicer, and I told him that maturity and manners do combine to make things better.

After he went down for his nap, I checked my email and saw there an invite for an old friend's birthday party. Me and Emmy used to be so close, for so long.

Then, for many years in a row, she made life decisions that had me biting my lip trying not to shout "What the fudge are you thinking?!?!"

Finally, I told her. I said, hey girl - I keep wincing watching you bang your head against that wall year after year. You know I'm always gonna have your back with an ice pack and some asperin, but has it occurred to you that you got other choices?

She said, you resent having to keep fetching me ice packs?

I said, some times, yeah. But mostly I just hurt to see you hurt.

And she said, well I'm glad you told me.

And then a few months later, she said, well I think we need a break from each other because now I'm really self-conscious about you seeing me hit my head against a wall.

And then a few months after that, she said, well I still want to be friends - but just not the kind of friends who fetch each other ice packs or talk about walls.

And then, we weren't friends anymore.

And now, I get birthday invites blind copied to me in an email. And I knew that she'd swear on a Bible that I was welcome but the smile wouldn't reach her eyes if I actually showed up.

And I thought about all the times I fetched her those ice packs. And the times she fetched me ice packs, too. And I missed her so bad, her laugh and her wit.

With a sigh, I went to Bear's room and crawled up into his loft bed and curled up right next to him. Half-awake, he moved his head over to share his pillow.

Bear, I told him, remember what I told you before in the car?

Yeah, Mommy?

That's not always true. There will always be hurts between friends. You'll just understand better because you'll have experience.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Bear.

I don't like it when my friend doesn't like me anymore.

It hurts.

Yes, he agreed, sadly.

And we looked up at the stars and planets on the ceiling. And rested our heads together. And it helped.

And I love him

February 03, 2005 | Category: Mother to the First Power

Mommy, you need a joke.

I do?

Yes. Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Elephant footprints in the butter!

Um, I don't think you....

Knock-knock!

Uh, OK. Who's there?

(snorkling with laughter)

Bear? I didn't hear you.

Elephant in the butter!

Oh, ha-ha. Ok then....

Knock-KNOCK!

(sighing) Last one, ok?

KNOCK-KNOCK!

Who's there?

Banana and Orange!

Banana and Orange WHO?

I want a banana and orange you glad the Elephant didn't EAT IT?!?!

(Rolls on floor laughing hysterically with son)

Aurea Mediocritas

February 01, 2005 | Category: In My Life

If life were General Hospital, CD and I would have broken up by now. Our son would have been rapidly aged and be dating his cousin. I would have re-married a mob boss and discovered he was behind my ex-lover's unsolved murder. And CD would have discovered eight children by nine former girlfriends.

But in real life, things are about the same.

I mean, yes. About a week or so ago, we had a bit of unpleasantness. But I haven't been able to blog about it because I promised CD not to share certain stuff anymore. (Speculum warmers? Yes. Fights over the dishes? No.)

So I had to let it out in private writing, in camera. In respect for CD's wishes. I've actually kind of been stitching myself up, trying to figure out how to blog freely and honestly inside the boundaries.

I seek the Aurea Mediocritas. The Golden Mean. The place in the middle where ethics and truth mutually reside.

Has anyone else found this place?