If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone in this. My husband also doesn't feel comfortable handling the little details associated with parenthood. Things like doctors appointments and childcare applications and birthday parties and extracurricular activities -- all that falls on my plate. You might think that since I'm not working a separate full-time job, that I would be able to stay on top of these things. But I can't. I let things slip through the cracks all the time. I think it's funny that I used to manage multi-million dollar projects with ease, and now I struggle to manage a house and a kid. (When I say "funny", I mean "humiliating".)

I know it's really tempting to blame your spouse for not pulling his weight, but that's only going to poison your feelings for him. You have to ask yourself whether you think he's doing the best he can. If the answer is yes, then you just have to forgive him for not being perfect and find another way to fill in the gaps. If you think he's not doing his best, then by all means, give him a good swift kick in the ass.

I agree with the idea of getting some domestic help, but I know from experience it's expensive. When I interviewed nannies a while back, the median salary was about $35k. If you can swing it, I think it would make a huge difference in your quality of life.

A cheaper option you might consider is to schedule periodic "team meetings" where you and your husband sit down to discuss household business. That will give you both the time to brainstorm all the little details and come up with a specific action plan. I know with my husband, the specifics really help. If he has the name, the phone number, and the day he's expected to call, he's much more likely to actually get it done than if I gave him the vague instruction to just "take care of it".

You might also consider revising your expectations of Elia. She really should be able to get Bear down for a nap. Maybe you could give her a raise and increase the scope of her responsibilities?

It sounds like you're tearing yourself apart trying to be Supermom and Superboss. I don't think there's an easy solution for that. I thought I could spare myself the internal tug-o-war by giving up my career and focusing solely on motherhood. In reality, it just made me resentful and restless to lose that part of my life. But, if I had kept the career, I know I'd be exactly where you are now. I'm not sure there is an ideal solution. I think at some point you have to abandon your quest for perfection and be grateful for the things you've done right, instead of worrying about the things that you haven't.

Oh do I struggle with these issues. My husband is the at-home parent so, in theory, most of these responsibilities should be his. But he's not that kind of a planner. So if I left it up to him, I don't think he'd sign D up for any summer activities at all. And yes, he'd have to deal with the consequences of having to entertain two high energy boys all summer without a break. But that wouldn't really make any of us happy.

Last week he forgot about a dentist appointment for D that I had booked, even though it was on the calendar that we had gone over the night before. The appointment wasn't that big a deal --he got another appointment, the dentist didn't charge us for the missed booking. But I hate feeling like things will fall apart if I don't micromanage.

I second Cathy's suggestion, but I also know how hard it is to accept that you will not be the person who is primarily responsible for your child's care, because your work situation demands it.

We'll always feel guilty, won't we?

I haven't commented in a while, but I just thought I'd stop in and say I hear ya! I think Cathy has a great suggetion for you. I know you can make it work out for the best!

Bless your heart!! I agree with RP, Cathy and your mentor- a supportive home situation is a must. Been there and done that without one. Hang in there and know that there are many of us out here who support you in living the life you want to live. IMHO, CD needs to show up as an adult.

You may also want to add to these fine suggestions that CD needs to plug the f*ck back in. People at his job have to understand that he is a parent and he has responsibilities that extend far beyond the office. Point the finger at him and tell him his time at work looking at internet whatever is no longer sacrosanct, that you need help and you need him to step up here and provide that help. Start copying him on all the to do lists. Make him be the equal partner he needs to be.

Or, conversely, you could just disregard my well meaning advice because there's no way to implement it and I've actually added to your stress by suggesting it.

Either way, you know I'm rooting for you!

You know what? Cathy has a brilliant suggestion. With more options comes more flexibility. For example, you could still pick Bear up from school, sing songs on the way home, then your new sitter could meet you at the house. She puts Bear down for a nap, then folds your laundry and/or starts dinner. After nap you have 30 minutes uninterrupted with him, then she drives him to playdate and brings him home. Bear might even benefit from the structure: he knows he's got X amount of time with Mommy in the afternoons, except maybe Friday afternoons, when you guys have a special "date". Something like that.

You'll figure it out, Elizabeth. That's what you do, right? Can you view it like a project? Somewhere along the line something isn't working... brainstorm solutions, pick the best one, and try.

--Stacy

Seems simple from this vantage point.

You need a new babysitter.

You need a real "nanny," who can not only drive to playdates but can also arrange them, who can not only put B down for naps when needed but also knows when he doesn't need one, who can find out about the summer camps and then create the overall schedule, who can double check on the kindgarten enrollment and also make sure the contract gets in, etc etc etc.

Like I said, it seems simple from this vantage point.

You can't do it all. CD can't do it at all. So you outsource it.

No big deal. Find somebody who can do the real job of "childcare" (which includes all the things I mentioned above) and then go back to your real job of providing for your family and providing an excellent role model of both accomplishment **and happiness** to your son.

Cathy
BTDT