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Post-Nuptials And Such

March 20, 2005 | Category: Family, It's a Trip



After such a dramatic week, it has been a very normal weekend. We've been cleaning, and shopping, and doing chores. CD and Bear have once again taken shovel and muscle to the tree stump on the edge of the driveway. And once again, they have turned back with that tree stump still firmly in the ground.

We figure it will take chains. And a 4X4. Maybe dynamite. Or a beaver.

I was up last night for a few hours, thinking.

It's difficult for me to think that somehow, the idea of a post-nup has demonized CD. I have done something, communicated something, wrong. And I don't know how to fix it.

My husband is not an American citizen. We did plan to sign a post-nup that had our agreement about Bear's nationality and raising in it.

We've both been exposed at what break-ups can do to children in multi-national relationships, so it just seemed like a reasonable thing to do. We just never followed through. It's hung on the to-do list for years.

In the shifting landscape of our marriage, we've said and done things we both regret. But we've always come back to our senses quickly. Even if we couldn't solve the problem, we found a way to be kind to each other.

But what if we couldn't?

So we thought about and agreed that Bear would have both his parents within a 50 mile radius. And be raised in America unless we both agreed otherwise. But be a citizen of both countries, and be exposed to both languages and customs.

We just never wrote it down.

Is it coming up now because things are rough? Yeah.

Is it coming up now because CD imagined a worst-case scenario and it scared him? Yeah.

Do I wish things were better between us? Hell, yeah.

I do, with all my heart.

I knew a guy once. Gorgeous. Charismatic. Successful. Promiscous. Always wore a condom. Always.

"Elizabeth," he once told me over lunch (just as friends. I knew better.) "You'd be amazed how many women try and convince me it's not necessary. Daft. Maybe crafty. I actually left an apartment once because she insisted we leave it off. No doing."

I never understand those women either. Protection in and of itself should never insinuate there's something irreedemably wrong. Sometimes all it means is: 'just in case'.

This piece of paper doesn't make CD a bad guy. I do not, in any way, resent him for asking for it. It was my idea in the first place, all those years ago.

Sure, I get mad at CD for many reasons. But not that he asked that we execute the post-nup before I take his son 4 hours away for a couple of months.

I can't imagine why I would say no.

So I was up for a few hours last night. Wondering if maybe I complained too much. Vented too hard. And I don't know what to do. I feel bad that anyone would think I was sleeping with the enemy. It's not how I feel. Isolated, angry, tearful? Yes. Pushed to the edge of the cliff and looking down sometimes? Yes. Scared? Yes, Yes. Uncertain, sad? Yes, again.

But no, not given up. No.

*sigh*


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Comments


I wish I had something good to add, but I'm not as well spoken as everyone else. I'm here for you if you ever need to rant or chat or what have you.

Posted by: ben on March 22, 2005 09:37 AM


This journey called life is filled with such twists and turns, especially when you throw marriage - and the children - into the mix!

In the end, though, you have to do what's best for you, that which allows you to live with yourself and that which allows you to sleep at night. Whether CD is an angel or Beezelbub himself - or somewhere in between - is less important (at least to us, your supporters) than whether you, going through your own experiences, making your way through your own, personal journey, are satisfied.

Keep on, keepin' on - I have the feeling that you are working your way through to the good stuff.

Monica

Posted by: Monica C. on March 21, 2005 10:24 PM


When any relationship is on the rocks and people start pointing out concerns, nothing can be more difficult because in the end we are only left to look at ourselves and our relationship.

I believe you are communicating clearly. I don't think you have ever tried to paint or accidently painted CD a monster. Don't second guess yourself. Please.

I think what is happening is people see you work your butt off, be a great mom -- and do, do, do, do, do, do, do and get little, if anything, in return. You don't ask for anything in return.

That's what is driving people to respond. They don't see anything that shows how CD bends over as far backwards as you do to make this all work. That's where all of this is coming. It has nothing to do with you talking about CD in a negative way. You don't have any thing positive to say... and that speaks volumes.

Hugs to you...

Posted by: Eyes for Lies on March 21, 2005 09:39 AM


Nothing that you've said has made me think badly of CD. In fact, from what you've said, he sounds like a devoted father and a romantic husband. He may have some serious flaws, but as far as I know, we all do.

It does sound like your relationship is in a rough patch, and for that I'm very sorry. But I feel certain that you can work through it. One of the great fallacies of our generation is that you're supposed to be happy all the time. If you can make it through the rough patch, you'll come out the other side stronger, wiser, and happier than ever.

I know some people think legal agreements are the smart thing to do, but I personally think that it undermines the trust in your relationship. I'm also married to a foreigner, but it has never once crossed my mind to make him sign a contract swearing never to move back to England or take my son on an extended vacation. I know he wouldn't do that. And to be honest, based on what you've written, I don't think you or CD would do that to your Bear either.

If you're a good parent, you always try to do what's best for your kid. And no matter how much you want to spite your spouse, you can't put your kid in the middle.

I just don't think anyone should need a piece of paper to make them do the right thing.

On the other hand, having that piece of paper might make you and CD feel more secure, and that might make it easier to work through the relationship issues. I hope so.

Posted by: notdonnareed on March 20, 2005 08:05 PM


I think it makes perfect sense for all of the reasons you (and others) have stated. And here's why I'd do the very same thing myself if I were in a similar situation:

Emotions run high. We'd like to believe that we're always going to take the high road, put the family's needs first, etc - but that isn't always what happens when those emotions run high.

The post-nuptial is a written promise from and to you both that your intents were (and are) to take the high road. It can help provide clarity and support in the heat of anger, and remind you both that you made a promise that you need to live up to.

It's an important safety net. And you can never, ever have too many safety nets, in my opinion.

Posted by: Betsy on March 20, 2005 05:57 PM


Just catching up on blogs this weekend. I am so sorry you ended up with St. Louis. I'm not commenting on your family situation, since I know we're only seeing a small sliver of the situation, but I hope for the best for all of you. I hope you can find a way to make this situation work for all of you.

Posted by: t on March 20, 2005 05:52 PM


You don't need to do anything... You have expressed yourself beautifully about where you are and the concerns that fill your heart. I believe that this self-expression is one way you will find your way through the next few months. Hang in there and fight for yourself and your marriage. Speaking for myself, I will share my thoughts and feelings with you until you say "No."

Posted by: azalea on March 20, 2005 04:31 PM


Let me give you a slightly different perspective. I did not think any worse of CD at all for wanting such a thing -- quite the opposite. My parents divorced when I was 3 and when I was 5, my father gave up all visitation rights to me. I didn't see him again until I was 12, and our relationship has never really recovered.

When I read about the post-nup, I thought it must be agonizing for CD -- knowing that this is the way it must be, and wanting to make DAMN sure he doesn't lose his child. I actually thought it was great. I'm always a fan of men who fight to stay in their children's lives.

You know, when I attend weddings, I pay attention to the verbiage that states that we will support the MARRIAGE of the people we're watching. Not just the people individually, but the marriage as a separate entity. For what it's worth, I support your marriage to CD. At the expense of your own sanity? No. But marriage is worth fighting for. Bear's family is worth fighting for.

After all the tears and recriminations, you guys keep fighting. And that's what matters.

Posted by: Stacy on March 20, 2005 02:39 PM