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Life is a highway

March 22, 2005 | Category: In My Life



A couple of targets were hit in the last few days.

First of all, I finished writing a story. After umpteen years of starting and never finishing the Great American Novel (and coming to the conclusion that I just suck rocks at fiction), I had an idea and finished it. 135 pages, 10 chapters. Not quite a book. On an idea based on characters someone else created. Just to see if I could do it. And then I let some strangers read it and provide criticism and feedback. It was all very nervy of me, really. The response was kind, but I am not sure I will ever do it again. Just proud I did it this time.

I went clothes shopping, too. I hardly ever do this because I am overweight. Since becoming pregnant with Bear (and lying down for most of a year), I gained a LOT of weight. And I couldn't afford to. I had spent my adult life fighting chubbiness (although I was a skinny kid) so now I well and truly look like a weeble. I have 4 decent office outfits that I can mix and match, and none are great quality. I invest our clothing budget more in CD (he never asks, I just buy the stuff). He's always the same size and very well shaped and fun to dress. (ahem)

So for the past 3 days, the three of us have hauled ourselves through shoe stores and clothing stores. Trudge trudge trudge. Up to Lord & Taylor's and down to Talbot's. Yes, the upscale places do make clothes in my size (not that I'm saying what it is). I got black silk slacks and a silk blend black blazer. And a deep-blue short-sleeved silk sweater. (Silk, it was a theme.) Even bought high-heeled pumps, although God knows they don't slim me the way the magazines say. I think I look more like a bowling pin on sticks but I'm trying, and I think that's probably progress.

Got my hair done, and my nails, and some treatments on my face. Even bought some new makeup.

In short, I have done all those external things that I slowly have stopped doing for myself since Bear was born. Because after that, I stopped liking my reflection. That's it, I guess. And I realized last week with a start how bare my self-care regimen has become.

Not that I am going to throw myself back into the world of constant spa treatments and $50 underpants, but I decided that maybe I needed to stop martyring myself. No one is asking me too and it's not exactly making me a nicer person (or nicely dressed).

And, finally, I got myself somewhat of a demotion. Working for a conservative corporation the size of a small European country, executive positions are very hard to come by. Mega is not top-heavy by any stretch of the imagination. So this last assignment, which was Director-level responsibilities, was a pretty big "get" (which, of course, I was hiding from). Somehow last week I managed to downgrade my position in the program to Deputy Director.

I'm still not sure how I pulled it off. But after the initial 60 days this summer working on location, I have been told (since I'm only a Deputy type now) that my work schedule will be much more flexible. That sounds good, right?

After that, I sat CD down and told him that I did understand all his practical concerns (I make twice the money, am vested in both stock and retirement, have full benefits, etc.) I get that it makes no sense, none at all.

But if we are going to make it together, we need to find a way to make this happen no matter the sacrifices: Me as a full-time mom. For at least a year, soon.

I know that there are a lot of people in the world who would think that cutting our family's income by 2/3 is crazy and irresponsible, that there will be little financial security and a lot of sacrifices.

But I needed to say it - that this was the most important thing. And I needed him to hear it, and not just nod his head and walk away and another 6 months go by. One of my weakest traits is that I don't communicate my personal priorities well. The people I work with think I must be devastated that I got the Deputy assignment ('You were robbed!' said an IM I got).

Well, that's fine. But at home I needed to change tactics. I think it is possible that I never shouted loud enough to be heard before.

I have now.

Bulls-eye. I don't know what happens next. And maybe that's OK for right now.

So off I go, southbound for a few days to meet my team before kickoff. Wish me luck.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


I am so glad you are doing what you need to do for you, and for you both, really. Good luck!!

Posted by: Bond Girl on March 23, 2005 11:34 AM


You got it! Full luck wishing mode activated.

Damn, that sounded way less nerdy in my head.

If you'd like to show that short off I'd love to see it. Some of your stuff here borders on amazing. I'd really like to see some of your project writing.

Posted by: Jim on March 22, 2005 09:04 PM


P.S. I wish you luck, but I don't think you'll need it. :-)

Posted by: notdonnareed on March 22, 2005 07:40 PM


Wow!!! I'm impressed! Finishing a story is a VERY BIG DEAL. You must feel great.

It's amazing what a nice outfit and a good haircut can do for your self-esteem. When I look back on my shaggy-hair/sweats period, I can't believe I let myself go like that. Losing weight is extremely difficult, but getting a haircut and buying a decent outfit is really pretty easy.

I totally agree that there are more important things than money, stock options, and 401k. I gave up a bunch of money to stay home with my son, and I'd do it again. Well, most days I would. Your husband might freak out a little about being the only breadwinner (mine did), but he'll adjust. You both will. And there's still plenty of time (and plenty of earning power) for you to save for retirement.

I also think that people in high-stress jobs periodically need a break. In my company, they actually offered sabbaticals to people after a certain number of years, because your brain really needs to decompress. Otherwise, you start suffering stress-related illnesses, and you're not as effective at your job. I think it's great that you're going to take the time you need to enjoy your son and recharge your batteries.

Just a thought -- CD might feel better about it if he can see a spreadsheet of how you'll make the finances work in the short term and also if you commit to resuming your career by a certain time. Honestly, I was shocked at how fidgety my husband got when I stopped working, because we really did have plenty of money, and he's normally a very laid-back guy, but I guess it's a big responsibility to suddenly be the only person keeping your family afloat.

Posted by: notdonnareed on March 22, 2005 07:38 PM


Way to go, E! Stand firm on it, own it, claim it and always defend your dreams -- for it is a relationship built on love that meets both of your needs that will be successful.

In life's end, it isn't money that we'll remember. It's the special relationships that we nutured along the journey that will fill our soul.

Posted by: Eyes for Lies on March 22, 2005 02:18 PM


Best of luck! You know I'm rooting for you.

*walking away, singing, ". . . and I'm gonna drive it all night long"* Thanks for the ear worm!

Posted by: RP on March 22, 2005 01:03 PM


Good for you, nothing feels better than buying some good clothes that fit you and you feel good in.

I hope you find you like St. Louis, it's really not a bad place.

Posted by: A.K. on March 22, 2005 12:50 PM


i am wishing you luck :)

been reading a while but not commented before - i really hope this all works out for you Elizabeth

abs x

Posted by: abs on March 22, 2005 12:43 PM


yay you! Going shopping! And buying clothes and make-up! Yay for reatail therapy!!

Posted by: kalisah on March 22, 2005 10:52 AM


Yay for targets, and all the best!

Posted by: Jean on March 22, 2005 10:34 AM