Life is a highway

March 22, 2005 | Category: In My Life

A couple of targets were hit in the last few days.

First of all, I finished writing a story. After umpteen years of starting and never finishing the Great American Novel (and coming to the conclusion that I just suck rocks at fiction), I had an idea and finished it. 135 pages, 10 chapters. Not quite a book. On an idea based on characters someone else created. Just to see if I could do it. And then I let some strangers read it and provide criticism and feedback. It was all very nervy of me, really. The response was kind, but I am not sure I will ever do it again. Just proud I did it this time.

I went clothes shopping, too. I hardly ever do this because I am overweight. Since becoming pregnant with Bear (and lying down for most of a year), I gained a LOT of weight. And I couldn't afford to. I had spent my adult life fighting chubbiness (although I was a skinny kid) so now I well and truly look like a weeble. I have 4 decent office outfits that I can mix and match, and none are great quality. I invest our clothing budget more in CD (he never asks, I just buy the stuff). He's always the same size and very well shaped and fun to dress. (ahem)

So for the past 3 days, the three of us have hauled ourselves through shoe stores and clothing stores. Trudge trudge trudge. Up to Lord & Taylor's and down to Talbot's. Yes, the upscale places do make clothes in my size (not that I'm saying what it is). I got black silk slacks and a silk blend black blazer. And a deep-blue short-sleeved silk sweater. (Silk, it was a theme.) Even bought high-heeled pumps, although God knows they don't slim me the way the magazines say. I think I look more like a bowling pin on sticks but I'm trying, and I think that's probably progress.

Got my hair done, and my nails, and some treatments on my face. Even bought some new makeup.

In short, I have done all those external things that I slowly have stopped doing for myself since Bear was born. Because after that, I stopped liking my reflection. That's it, I guess. And I realized last week with a start how bare my self-care regimen has become.

Not that I am going to throw myself back into the world of constant spa treatments and $50 underpants, but I decided that maybe I needed to stop martyring myself. No one is asking me too and it's not exactly making me a nicer person (or nicely dressed).

And, finally, I got myself somewhat of a demotion. Working for a conservative corporation the size of a small European country, executive positions are very hard to come by. Mega is not top-heavy by any stretch of the imagination. So this last assignment, which was Director-level responsibilities, was a pretty big "get" (which, of course, I was hiding from). Somehow last week I managed to downgrade my position in the program to Deputy Director.

I'm still not sure how I pulled it off. But after the initial 60 days this summer working on location, I have been told (since I'm only a Deputy type now) that my work schedule will be much more flexible. That sounds good, right?

After that, I sat CD down and told him that I did understand all his practical concerns (I make twice the money, am vested in both stock and retirement, have full benefits, etc.) I get that it makes no sense, none at all.

But if we are going to make it together, we need to find a way to make this happen no matter the sacrifices: Me as a full-time mom. For at least a year, soon.

I know that there are a lot of people in the world who would think that cutting our family's income by 2/3 is crazy and irresponsible, that there will be little financial security and a lot of sacrifices.

But I needed to say it - that this was the most important thing. And I needed him to hear it, and not just nod his head and walk away and another 6 months go by. One of my weakest traits is that I don't communicate my personal priorities well. The people I work with think I must be devastated that I got the Deputy assignment ('You were robbed!' said an IM I got).

Well, that's fine. But at home I needed to change tactics. I think it is possible that I never shouted loud enough to be heard before.

I have now.

Bulls-eye. I don't know what happens next. And maybe that's OK for right now.

So off I go, southbound for a few days to meet my team before kickoff. Wish me luck.

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