Sara, the alert watch-poodle, assesses the back yard

July 31, 2008 | Category:

Since we're too stupid for words, it seemed like a good idea to take Sara with us, this year. You know, on our annual trip to New England, In a car. 999 miles each way.

Then it occured to me, you know, that my family should be warned. 'Cuz Sara? She's special.

Here's what I wrote:

OK, I just have to warn you about a couple of things with Sara. Look, she's a great dog. You will not meet a better dog alive. No kidding. I mean, she may look like some pansy poodle, but deep inside? She's got the lion heart of a golden retriever. That's not to say she doesn't have a few...idiosyncrasies. *ahem*

ROCKS
So, uh, Sara likes rocks. She likes to find them, and chase them, and attack them. She likes to race around the yard with one in her mouth, toss it in the air, pounce on it, and race it around some more. She really, really, really likes to collect them. In the house. One for every room, you see. Because no room is really special until it has a rock in it.
If Sara is headed INTO a house, you can sort of bet she's hiding a rock in her mouth. Especially if she's skulking. Skulking is a BIG giveaway of some rock hoarding.

WATER
Water is only good if it's kept cold in a toilet bowl. She doesn't understand why people pee in her water bowls. She especially doesn't understand why people get all snickety with her for dripping water on a bathroom floor. It's tiled, right?
She has not, however, figured out how to open closed toilet lids. That just about stumps her. Just a piece of advice, there.

MOTHS
Sara is a certified level 3 Ninja supersecret moth killer. She hates moths. Moths are evil. Butterflies? Are just incognito moths. And little itty-bitty birds are moths with bird suits on. ALL these suspects need to be barked at, and good. Plus? Chased down and EATEN. Moths make good eating. Don't even need to cook 'em. Sushi Moth, YUM. If Sara sees a moth, you can bet she'll be on the case. And she'll STAY on the case until you remind her, gently (by yelling SARA YOU STUPID OVERGROWN SHEEP GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!) that she needs to stay in the yard and live and let die, moth-wise.

FURNITURE
Sara believes she is a 4-legged person. As such, she should be allowed to sit with other people in people-sitting places. Since she doesn't shed and is somewhat dainty, it's possible her owners let this go on for a little too long and she is now, sort of, kind of, stuck in the habit. She has, however, learned the word 'OFF' and will obey. I mean, there will be a dirty look involved but she's a good girl at the end of the day.
The one place she won't get off of without a mulish staring war is wherever her boy is sleeping. She understands her mortal duty to guard her boy, and in fact if asked 'Where's your boy?' she will race to side wherever he is - even if that's in someone else's house. Sara Sleeps With Boy. This is an understood law of nature, like rain on picnics. One does not mess with it.

STALKING
Once boy is asleep, or at camp, Sara reverts to her deeply held beliefs that a) Any Human in a Pinch Will Do and b) Naps Are Good.

Ipso facto there you go-go, her favorite thing to do in a boy-free environment is to nap leaning on some other human. If a human is not immediately available to be ON then being NEAR is her second-favorite place.

She especially has a knack for leaving her tail under wheelie office chairs. An offended 'WOOF" will accompany any unwarned movement of these chairs. If humans do not comply with THE NAP LAW and persist in moving about, then Sara will - of course- move about with human. Human gets a glass of water? Sara follows. Human does some dishes? Sara follows. Whenever human pauses in one place for more than 10 seconds (the '10 second rule') Sara will slide her looooong legs down to the floor and lie down with a grunt. She will be asleep before her chin actually gets lateral. She will be awake by the time the human (see: STALKEE) takes a step. This is all very cute and sweet the first couple of days. After a while, though, one begins to wonder if an order of protection is necessary. It is not. Simply say "Sara? MOVE!" and with a groan she will seek an alternative human, or lacking that, a spot near a floor fan where she can lay and feel her ears flap in the breeze.

Yes, we bring a floor fan.

And, finally, GOING OUT
Sara is, for all the groaning and once-in-a-while barking, mostly a quiet and gentle dog. One with impossibly long eyelashes and Groucho Marx eyebrows.

DEFCON BERT: When Sara wants 'OUT' (and Sara is a very fastidious dog who does not have accidents, thank you) she will find a human and stare at them. When the human looks back, she will lift an eyebrow. This should be translated as "Excuse me, I need to go out" and can be confirmed by asking her "Go Outside?" to which she will respond by smiling. One needs only experience this once to understand.

DEFCON ERNIE: Should the human wait too long, BOTH eyebrows will start to go up and down. This should be translates as "Excuse me, I am about to explode" and she may even gesture at a door with her chin to make the point.

DEFCON ANIMAL: If the human STILL doesn't notice her needs, she will then stick her head under the human's nearest hand and rub her eyebrows under it. This should be translated as "DON'T YOU READ EYEBROW, YOU DENSE HUMAN?!" One suggests a rapid jog to the door at this point.

OK, that's about all of her weirdness. I think. She doesn't chew furniture, loves to fetch, understands if you won't let her sit in the passenger seat for errands, and allows little children to pull her ears. Comes when called, can carry her own leash, and loves all other creatures. Except moths. Never moths.
Share: Delicious! | Stumble It! |   Slashdot It!