Everybody? Quiet!

January 25, 2008 | Category: In My Life

12AM: Amid coughing and hacking, I realize that there is no way I am going to finish the two articles that are due tomorrow for this new gig. I hammer down a handful of meds and collapse on the couch.

12:30AM: Having watched one of the new "Chuck" episodes without my husband, I am tortured with guilt. I firmly turn off the TV before I can be tempted into watching the other.

12:45PM: Face towards humidifier, I fall asleep.

6:45AM: CD should be halfway to work. Why is he wondering around the hallway? Why is he doing it in my fuzzy pink bathrobe?! Am I even awake?

7:15AM: "Hi Mommy, when I cough it makes me pee." Big eyes looking at me from the edge of the bed. :blink: :blink: "Uh, sweetie, you have Away School today. You only have it one day a week. You don't want to miss that, right? How about some cough syrup?"

7:20AM: Cough. COUGH. COUGH! COUGHCOUGH! "Mommy, I don't think I should go to school today," COUGH! COUGH! "My throat is falling out."

7:30AM: Sit down to work with son propped on pillows and medicated. Dog begins to whine to go out.

7:40AM: Dog in, son crying for juice. And yoghurt. And a different TV channel.

7:50AM: Child fed, watered, appeased. Dog farting. Loudly.

8AM: Dog back in, harassing cat. Cat begins to heave. While perched on a hamper of clean laundry.

8:05AM: Dog settled, Kid settled, Cat locked in bathroom. Email pings with an urgent request for information.

8:30AM: Staring at the coffee maker as it percolates. Pretty, pretty steam....

8:35AM: "Mommy! There's a big wet spot on your blanket! I think I spilled my milk!"

8:45AM: Finally typing; 'And the answer to this is anything but a simp....'

8:50AM: Cat begins screaming in the bathroom. The tub is now dripping a torrent of hot water, which we can not afford to have a plumber fix at the moment. I suspect stupid cat tried to drink from it and burned her tongue. Hey, she's old. And stupid. Dog begins barking at the bathroom door. Son gets up to see what's going on and does a dramatic limp. Informs me he needs a surgery to fix the pain.

"What pain?"

"I fell down before."

With no signs of blood or trauma, I give him a glow in the dark green Band-Aid.

8:55AM: Finally typing again. "...but a simple fix. The model needs to be matured.."

9AM: "Momma" "WHAT?!" "I got a problem..." "Do you need a hospital?" "No." "Do you need emergency services of ANY kind?" "No." "Then please deal with it yourself. If you are too sick to be at school, then you are too sick to be wandering around every 5 seconds." "FINE!" (Slams Door. Then opens it again and apologizes quietly.)

9:01AM: "What is wrong?" (Tapping foot impatiently.) "I've already seen this episode of Jimmy Neutron. AND my leg hurts. And I'm lonely."

INSERT HERE: silent scream.

But Orlando Jones Knows The Bus Stop, too.

January 17, 2008 | Category: In My Life

They say to you that there's something bad in your brain. The size of golf ball. But no worries, yeah?

And at first, I was afraid (but not petrified). Thought, I'm not ready to leave this life. But then I bounced back, because there's no other good option that I've found. I made soup and loved my family and painted the dining room.

And then I fell down again.

Because I'm still afraid. It's still there. I don't want it there, but it is and no matter how hard I try I can't make it go away from my body or my awareness.

I fell down and stayed down. And cried.

Yes.

Then someone called. Said they had work for me. The real thing, and a little money behind it.

And so I worked a bit. And taught my son some new sight words. And went for a long swim.

And now, I think, I'm almost standing. Not yet dancing. And still afraid.

But more here than before.

Welcome to Wherever You Are

January 09, 2008 | Category: In My Life

I'm sort of surprised how sad I feel.

How cowardly I am.

I avoid the news, especially since Bhutto's assassination. I breath deep and tell myself the bills will keep. I watch the neighbors out the window, terrified to wave back.

I'm scared, and stretched thin over too much broken body. And unsure how to be, what to say, how to act.

I'm sorry, I ... that's all. Just sorry. I have nothing to write here, nothing to say. Right now, I wake up each day and I make a list of things I need to do. Then I put my head down and just try to get through them all. Set the pins up one by one and then knock them all down. Try to do it all with good humor even if I have no memory of what humor feels like. Because it scares them so much, even more than it does me.

And no one on this planet is interested in the aches and pains and whatnot. I'M not even interested in it. The planet has more to offer.

And someday soon, I want to look up again and see it.

But for right now, it is literally all I can do to quietly change the bed sheets, and tutor Bear in subtraction, and I haven't even brought down the tree yet....