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For this I owe you: here comes other reckonings.
February 01, 2006 | Category: On The Job
I fight tears. I knew I was a sentimental fool but I find myself drowning in it. I know the kind words & actions of my coworkers are polite, generous tokens but my emotions have rough edges and push away my logic, the cool professionalism I have cultivated for so long.
"They are just being nice to me because I'm leaving" I remind myself. No good. I'm weepy and mushy and it's all I can do to keep a brave face on.
I am facing the end of the familiarity of my compatriots in the trenches. Of the echoes of their voices in teleconferences, the quick words and odd chuckle echoing over my speakerphone.
I know that the relationships aren’t real in the sense of my tangible life. When it comes time to move, it’s not like these men and women would trade their tan pants for ripped jeans and a strong shoulder against our belongings. I know that my son is just a notion to them as their children and wives and partners and friends and dogs and cats are all just ideas to me.
For all our years together, we could pass each other in an airport without a wave, without a nod.
And so much of the past year has been bad. Just cruel and crazy and nothing any sane person would want to hang onto. I tell myself that this is so healthy, to walk away before I spend one more week in such a place that can be so dark.
The truth of this job is clear.
Yet I'm fighting back tears.
As the goodbyes begin to accumulate. As the instant messages ring onto my screen. "How many more days?" they ask. "Got the short-timer's disease yet?" The phone rings... "Do you have plans?”
“Have you decided what you are going to do that first Monday?"
"Stay just one more week, then you can get paid for President's Day!"
And in meetings, I find my work being snatched away. Gestures of understanding and affection that mist me up. "Elizabeth, I have this - I will get the IP addresses from Security..." "Elizabeth, I will deal with gruff President, don't worry..." "Elizabeth, you’re doing so much tying up loose ends, what can I do to..."
And I hit the Mute button, and huff out breath and take a moment.
I have affectionately called the engineers I work with the Tan Pants Brigade. As tens and tens of millions of dollars of equipment has passed through my projects - these are the people who have done the actual work. From the architecture to the delivery, installation, and production certification, I've grown to respect them and trust them.
I will miss them.
Maybe they aren’t real. In my virtual job maybe most of them are just faces from my infrequent trips or voices that drift into my ear during endless teleconferences. Yeah, ok.
But I will miss them.
"Elizabeth," says the Director as I call to close down one of the last action items. "There will be no replacing you. I hope you know that."
"There's no such thing as an irreplacable resource," I parrot, which is part of Mega's standard philosophy.
"True," he laughs. "But there is in life. Take care of yourself, and of that amazing Bear of yours. We're pulling for you."
And I finally let the tears fall as I hang up the phone. I thought this choice would be easier, because it was what I wanted for so long. But it is turning out to be one of the most difficult months of my life.
I pick up Bear's picture and hold it to my heart and think about all the people I don't know - and will miss so damn much.
And I squeeze my eyes shut and cry.
extra credit if you can identify the title without Googling:)
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