« Bitches. Of The Corporate Variety. | A visit from my former self »

The Darkness Inside

January 17, 2006 | Category: In My Life

There is a darkness in me these days.

I want to write, but my words seems stuck in a single groove of the record.

I am afraid.

I am angry.

I am angry at CD for not finding a job that pays what he knows he needs to make. For not hustling harder. For waiting until the last minute. Mere weeks before we lose my income. Knowing that if he doesn't support us, we'll have to sell the house or else have me go back to work. I have been saving him so long that I suspect, in my darkness, that he's just waiting for me to do it again.

I am angry at my co-workers, the ones on this fucking nightmare of an assignment. Especially the management. For treating people with such an utter lack of respect and dignity. For treating me as if I were a problem because I had the gall to file a complaint. I am pissed that I even care. But sometimes I think that my heart is my strength. I care. I CARE. It's part of what gives me power in my world, my heart beating strong. And I care. So it hurts.

I am angry at my child, for acting out. He's confused about what is happening, and I bet he is scared to. And it makes me furious at myself for snapping at him when he yells at me for eating his half of a donut when I was hungry, the donut I stopped and got for him as a treat and he never said thank you. I know he's a little kid, and that my expectations are way out of line. I make myself crazy not knowing if I should enforce the high expectations I always have or let it slide that he is so whiny these days, full of sudden tears and bouts of callous selfishness.

I am angry that I don't know what to do.

And then into this miasma of frustration and tension, I get angry at CD again. And at myself for giving me away for so long. To save him or enable him, I don't know where the line is anymore.

I don't know how far I will go.

I don't know what I will do to meet the darkness in me and find my light again.

I don't know how many times I will snap back at perfectly nice people who make the mistake of stepping on my last nerve.

I don't know what I will do if I am forced to sell the house. If I have that much forgiveness in me.

Actually I know the answer to that one.

I am fighting to save my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my ability to parent. Against a darkness that has clung too long.

And I don't know if I will win.

Share: Delicious Delicious! | Stumble It! | Slashdot  Slashdot It!
Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life


Oh, darling: You will survive this and you will come out stronger. Please lean on all of those who love you and they will be there for you!

Have faith. Don't let fear get in the way of what you KNOW is right for you and your family.

Posted by: Sol on January 18, 2006 07:31 AM

your strength IS your heart. I wish I had answers for you. I just have faith that things will get better, and I have faith in you.


Posted by: laura on January 17, 2006 10:33 PM

I feel your pain. I have lifed that life and it's exhausting mentally and physically. Pray about it and keep moving forward. When you move backward, your letting the enemy win. You will survive.
And get more donuts. Life doesn't have enough donuts.

Posted by: Melissa on January 17, 2006 09:41 PM

Stop. Breathe. Pray.

Hand your worries over. This is bigger than you. You know why it's consuming you. You can't handle this alone.

Elizabeth, we don't know what lies in our future, but the Bible says we'll never be given more than we can handle. I'm worried about you. I hope that you find that parachute you need before you hit the ground. And I'm not talking about another job.

Posted by: ieatcrayonz on January 17, 2006 09:03 PM

You are stretching and growing and shedding the suit of armor that's been weighing you down. And even though it was more that you could carry, there is comfort in the routine and the emotional stagnancy of existing just below the happiness line. There is a reason you have that counter at the top of the page. Extending the project end date again will only prolong the misery...so hold your ground and remember that if you are so valuable to the project then they owe you the respect you deserve.

You will celebrate soon. Remember, you are moving forward. Just because you don't have a map of exactly where you will end up does not mean you will end up in disaster. One step at a time is all you can take...

Take care of yourself and forgive the half-donut. Bear won't remember it tomorrow and sometimes you just deserve the damn donut.


Posted by: Carrie on January 17, 2006 08:38 PM

You definitely are on the right track. Knowing your problems is half the battle.


Posted by: caltechgirl on January 17, 2006 07:16 PM

that you blog about it with such clarity makes me think that you definitely can win. **fingers crossed & warm wished **

Posted by: helene on January 17, 2006 07:02 PM

I don't know if there is such a thing as winning the struggle for health, wellbeing, good parenting or in achieving a good marriage. I know for myself, staying in the fight and in a position to continue with the struggle is enough and there is virtue and honor in that.

Posted by: Tracey on January 17, 2006 04:20 PM