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Dreams go poof, like tissues

March 16, 2005 | Category: In My Life



Note: I had to go back and edit this entry. Because I did agree that I would not discuss CD's medical issues, treatment, our marital issues, treatment, or 'what happened' openly in this forum. And I broke that agreement. I was wrong. - C.M.

When we decided to become parents together, we decided that one of us would always be home with our child. It was something I felt strongly in my bones, no judgement on how anyone else does things.

We both had good jobs, either salary would do, so I stayed home.

But it didn't last.

Now there are 18 months between now and Bear going to Kindegarten. And my job pushing (hard!) for me to step up with a new level of commitment that I just don't want to give. I've been dreaming of being home, being this kid's mom. This last big chunk of time before school starts.

But that expectation is a lot. No matter how I would have structured it - what package or part-time job, it still would have made CD's job the prime income.

Clearly that was too much expectation. And I ranted and I raved, but really that was for my own benefit. Because this dream of mine is just not going to become real.

And as I sit here, trying not to cry like a big wuss, I realize that I truly don't know what to do next. I have held on to this dream being just around the corner for so long, that I never really thought about what the alternative would be. Expecially an alternative that keeps me away from my son for 12 hours a day.

I know I'm an idiot. But with our our earning power, I've really just thought me quitting was always - "just as soon as..."

I've got to take Bear to preschool now. And then come home and get to work. Yes, of course this is what millions of people do every day and I know that I'm not special and all this is like so much wet tissue disintegrating in a puddle somewhere.

It'll just take some time. That's all. And then it'll be just fine.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


Oh Elizabeth. It won't be fine, I'm sorry. Daycare isn't the biggest problem here, in my opinion. The bigger issue is the fact that your partner is not pulling his weight, as a parent or as a husband. And you are pulling the very heavy load for him. In fact, he's sitting on top of the load you are pulling. You see where I am going with this? Take care of yourself. Take care of Bear. Support CD, whom you love, but don't support his choice to continue disregarding you. You are worth so much more than just your income!

Posted by: Tammy on March 16, 2005 04:07 PM


Bless your heart!! Please, please take care of you and Bear. I concur with "Eyes for Lies." CD is an adult who is severly depressed, needs medical intervention-drugs, therapy and so forth for a specified period of time. No more shifting and changing programs. There are no "magic" fixes here-only hard work. Set your boundaries and start living your life for you and Bear. CD will either get with the program or he won't. Maybe it is time for him to learn that there are consequences for him.
Hugs to you and Bear!!!

Posted by: azalea on March 16, 2005 03:57 PM


Don't beat yourself up. At his age, Bear will be FINE in daycare. Just FINE. The guilt should land squarely on CD's shoulders, not yours. You're doing everything you can. Don't forget that.

Posted by: Amanda on March 16, 2005 01:47 PM


Oh, Elizabeth. I'm so sorry. I'm just so, so sorry.

I'm always here, if you want to email someone.

Posted by: Stacy on March 16, 2005 12:40 PM


You have my unstinting empathy and support.

I've been there, faced with very similar decisions. It sucks, I know. But I also know that you've got it within you to survive - and thrive, after time - with whatever decisions you end up making.

Posted by: Betsy on March 16, 2005 12:34 PM


E -- You don't allow yourself any dreams. You don't demand anything. Instead, you give of yourself, until you have nothing left to give --and that is PLAIN WRONG. You are destroying yourself!! You have no self-preservation.

While CD may have a serious medical condition, he does have a brain and can make rational decisions. He has a choice. Either he steps up to the plate and deals with his shortcomings by staying with the program -- (i.e. continuing medical intervention) or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he has to realize there are consequences: life alone.

PERIOD. This is not negotiable. EVER.

Sadly, while CD may have a medical condition that causes him to act in ways that are irresponsible, it doesn't give him the license to ruin two -- I mean THREE LIVES, and that is what you are letting him do!

Sadly, E, you are ENBABLING CD to continue to act improperly. You are giving him the reins to destroy everyone -- including you.

This is so wrong. Elizabeth, if love CD, you will love him with a firm heart. You will set boundaries for him because you know they are in his best interest. One such boundary is that he sticks to a medical intervention plan -- whether it is counseling or medication. The minute he quits -- he looses you. PERIOD.

This is the best love he could ever get because either he'll succeed, or he won't -- and if he doesn't -- there is NOTHING you can do for him until he helps himself. You can't help him and at that point -- you must preserve yourself and move on.

I know it is hard but you must do it for Bear.

While it may sounds like awful choices right now, it is the only hope the three of you have --either alone or together. Because when you stand on this principle, it gives you all the best outcome -- even if you do end up alone. If you have to move out, you may find that life is more rewarding because you are not being taken down the drain on a daily basis needlesslessly-- and perhaps for CD, he truly needs to hit bottom to see the results of his actions. You've cushioned him far too long.

I'm here if you need me. I hope you don't reject my honesty. It is truly sent from the heart.

Posted by: Eyes for Lies on March 16, 2005 10:59 AM


I understand completely. All you can do is the best you can and sometimes that is not enough.

Posted by: RP on March 16, 2005 10:37 AM


I am so sorry. In many ways our situations are so similar (aside from the actually having a job or money part) and it just hurts me to read it. I wish there was a solution for both of us that would be even close to what we wanted. Things just shouldn't have to be this way.

Posted by: Anna on March 16, 2005 09:29 AM


I wish there was something I could do to help, or at least to provide comfort. I'm sorry things are going down this path.

I'm sorry.

Posted by: ben on March 16, 2005 09:18 AM