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Could you move the fire?

March 09, 2005 | Category:



On a camping vacation to Door County years and years ago, my traveling companion and I met up with the nicest guy.

We got to talking, as you will. And he revealed that he had recently been divorced. Oh, how painful.

When he'd dated his ex, she'd been an active woman. Always working out, going to games of some kind, long bike rides.

As a tour guide for adventure trips, this was an important requirement. They fell in love. Married. And shortly after, she actually went on one of his trips.

It was late, that first night. She'd already been to bed. He was still up. Then she peeked her head of the tent and called to her new husband - "Honey, I'm hot. Could you move the fire?"

Except, uh. She was serious.

The logistics of moving a campfire aside, the question arose: Didn't you know? Didn't you see that she wasn't exactly a Girl Scout?

The answer is an emphatic NO.

When I met CD, you would not know him from the man I am married to today. The inside has completely rearranged.

I was thinking about that this evening when I was reading about Emily's plight. Her ex-husband has hi-jacked her kids for the night.

This is an escalation of his behavior since she asked for a divorce. Using any ambiguity and loophole to punish her and the kids. Like forcing complete obedience from children he wholehearted supported in Attachment Parenting prior to the breakup.

It would be so easy to wonder, didn't she know he would be like this when she dated him? Weren't there signs?

Humans don't like chaos. We like reasons and predictability. If we blame the victims, then somehow we empower them to have made different choices. It makes us feel like we have power to never become victims ourselves.

Which is just bullshit, isn't it?

Yeah OK. Some of us have too many stars in our eyes. We see what we want to see in the gaps of our reality. We jump to conclusions, or misunderstand.

But the truth is that people (me included) do reveal themselves in careful doses and evolve in unexpected ways.

Sometimes that is a grand recipe for two people to share a life discovering and rediscovering each other.

Sometimes that is a brutal recipe for a night spent in tears, wondering if your children are all right with the man you chose to be their father.

And sometimes that is a quick trip to the disposal so you can start all over again. With someone who understands the concept of a campfire.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


I've often wondered what it is exactly that we love about one another. Except in the most delusionally romantic moments, we would all admit that we don't love EVERYTHING about our partner. Obviously, there are a few things that drive us nuts. So, what exactly do we love, and how much change in those areas can we accept before the love just dries up? I don't know.

That's why I think it's so crucial to make your marriage your number one priority. You have to pay attention every day to the little changes and minor crises, or else you'll wake up one morning and not even recognize the person next to you.

The campfire guy just wasn't trying hard enough. Little problems like that can be easily overcome with humor, ingenuity, gallantry, or even some really good sex. Major problems -- like infidelity, financial ruin, irresponsible parenting -- those are a different story.

Posted by: notdonnareed on March 9, 2005 01:03 PM


I have been asked these very same questions, or been told straight-out that I must have had an inkling. Not to discount that, but some of those inklings may have been tolerable traits if there were sufficient compensating factors.

For instance, you do not know the strength of someone's mettle until they have been tested. The man I married came from a close-knit, Christian, Midwest family who cared deeply about and were actively involved in each others' lives. They were fiercely loyal to one another. Just not to spouses, apparently.

My ex cheated for several years, and told me weeks before I delivered my second. When that child became critically ill, I held it together, I learned. I nursed him back and monitored his recovery. When we had financial troubles, he practiced denial while I was left scrambling to borrow money and refinance the house and asking for raises and working three jobs, sometimes while pregnant. And then when his family noticed that I seemed cranky with him a lot of the time, he said YEAH, what about that???

Never in a million years would have guessed any of that unless we had the adversity. Also, his parting gift to me as he moved out was a sprained wrist and shoulder, People who know him would be shocked. Bleh.

Posted by: Mindy on March 9, 2005 03:29 AM