Where I become Dolly Parton

January 24, 2005 | Category: In My Life

I'm just saying it now: this is a TMI post. Enter at your own risk.

Last Friday was a strange day.

In the morning as I was getting dressed, I noticed that sometime during the night my boobs had swelled up like a cup size and a half. WAY too much boob for my bra. As in, no amount of adjusting, wiggling, or strap-loosening could get tab(s) A to fit into exhibit B.

The underwire pulled up, the cups flowethed over.

I tried every bra in my drawer. All 5 of them. Including the lacy one that isn't even supposed to worn under clothes.

I sat on the end of the bed, frustrated and weirded out.

You know, when you start sidling up to the 40-year mark, a woman's body starts to do some strange things. And even though I knew, I mean, I knew, that I probably wasn't pregnant and that this was one of those hey-look-out-for-40 things....

Well, I had to know.

So I bundled up Bear and off we went to the store. We snagged a Fire Truck cart and started going up and down the pharmacy aisles of the grocery store looking for pregnancy tests.

I found hair conditioner and some new tooth brushes. But I didn't find pregnancy tests. With a sigh, I approached the counter and asked a pharmacy clerk for assistance.

"Mike! MIKE!" she yelled to her manager. "I'm gonna go get this lady a pregnancy test!"

Oh, good. Now the whole store knew. Saved me the trouble of announcing on the loudspeaker.

I got a 3-tests in one box kind. So I don't have to go back for a while. (What? You don't keep these things on hand? Just in case?)

Came home, released my boobs from the agony of a too-small bra, let Bear go play with his new Bionicle toothbrush, and took the test.

Two agonizing minutes later, up came those lovely words "Not Pregnant".

Well, of course. I knew that.

I mean, I did. It's just, I wanted to be sure. And by the end of the weekend, I was really sure.

But, the boobs. There's absolutely no explanation. This has never happened to me before, and 4 days later they still haven't shrunk. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow. And hopefully she can tell me if I have to hit Victoria's Secret on the way home and buy a whole new bra wardrobe.

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