Memo to Wile E. Coyote (Everything Falls Faster Than Anvils)

January 21, 2005 | Category: On The Job

Dear Mr. Coyote,

Thank you for allowing me attend your last seminar on such short notice. I can't believe that your "Introduction to Physics for Corporate Dummies" class isn't required for all new employees!

I thought I'd drop a line and let you know that I implemented ALL your theories in the last week, and the results have been amazing!

First of all, VARYING GRAVITY. Your hypothesis that everything falls faster than an anvil. Like pianos and 27-page memos about dress code? Let me tell you, you were SO right!

Well, with the possible exception of the anvils dropped by executives. The anvils dropped by executives fall really, really fast! Maybe that's something you want to teach in future classes, because anvils really hurt. Not that I blame you!

And GRAVITATIONAL COGNIZANCE. The theory that gravity does not take effect until you notice that you are not standing on anything. Wow, this is so AWESOME.

Not that I ever got the chance, because it turns out that on my team pretty much tells you the nanosecond you've stepped off the cliff. "Hope you didn't spend too much time on that!" they yell, "Because it's vaporware!" And then, yep, sure enough I would look down and see that my presentation's platform was indeed, just air.

And you know what happens after that. Yup, Ka-Plow! I felt the total Coyote Experience with that one.

Wow, who could forget your expert teachings on EXPLOSIVES? "An explosion cannot cause fatal injuries, but only leave you temporarily charred and smoking". Well, I am ashamed to admit to you Mr. Coyote - I didn't trust this amazing lesson.

When I saw the big red stack of dynamite, I actually skipped ahead to your Advanced Seminar theories - specifically, EFFICIENT DISPLACEMENT - the theory that a corporate employee passing through a solid object will leave a hole in the outline of his body (also known as the "silhouette of passage").

I know that this type of skipping ahead is not encouraged by Coyote Enterprises, but I really couldn't help myself. And I was so excited to learn that the EFFICIENT DISPLACEMENT theory has practical applications! From my silhouette I was able to see that my hemlines are far too low to be attractive.

Finally, MANIC AERONAUTICS: The belief that anyone who holds a feather in each hand can fly if he flaps his arms. Corollary: This flight is only temporary, lasting long enough to place the character over a large drop.

Some other, *cough* poser *cough*, seminars I've been to call this stuff like "Peter Principle". That's why I recommend your seminar so highly. You are a straight-shooter, Mr Coyote - at least, informationally!

And just like you taught, they did indeed lift me up only as far as that chasm. But I was ready. I had used your order-form and special seminar discount to get myself an Acme Parachute. Thank heavens! It was delivered just as I landed and they were able to use it to pillow my body as they gave me a ride to the hospital.

In sum, your seminar was more than worth the entry fee. As soon as I am realeased from the Acme Hospital for Dumbasses, I will be eagerly signing up for the next one.

Thanks again, you are an inspiration to us Corporate Dummies everywhere.

Your fan,
Elizabeth C. Mommy

* Cartoon theories taken (where you can go read ALL the cartoon theories of physics) with a big thanks from here and here and even here.

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