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How to wrap my Christmas Gift

December 20, 2004 | Category:



Ben inspired me to share with you CD's amazing gift-wrapping methodology.

But before attempting to emulate, understand that this may get VERY expensive. Because my husband? A ROLL of wrapping paper for EACH GIFT. Does not matter the size of the gift? No....

Ready?

1. Unspool unGodly amount of wrapping paper onto floor. From kicthen to dining room. When cats chase each other over it and child hops on it, heave a big sigh, gather up that 20-foot sheet and throw it away.

Start again.

2. Standing over the bedspread of wrapping paper, drop gift somewhere towards an edge.

3. Cleopatra that gift to an R-factor of like, 100.

4. With use of pliers and feet, bend the leftover paper on each side into the middle. There's about 50 layers, so you need to sit on it once you fold it or it will unsprung and maybe? Take an eye out. At the very least, flip over a coffee table.

5. Attack with duct tape. Silver, preferably.

6. Allow preschooler to stick 6 or 7 bows on it

7. Write wife's name in big letters with a Sharpie.

8. Haul it under the tree. Realize that now that you have made a box of perfume roughly the size of a Yugo, that it won't fit.

9. Slide it over to the side of the tree. Gaze at it fondly.

10. Turn to wife and say "Do you want to know what it is?" Look at disbelieving, fish-mouth gaping expression and say, with stunning male self-pride and naivity "What?!"


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


So typical...the What?! look. It's both charming and frustrating.

Don't lose faith about your marriage...keep praying about it. You can both change (God can chnage you both) -- maybe not to be like you were before but to be the way you need to be now. A way that is better than the current situation and better, but different, than the early days. I've been there -- both of us have had to change. I am learning from reading yours and a few other blogs that long marriages seem to have these deep "down" cycles that signal the need for a big readjustment.

Posted by: Kelly on December 21, 2004 09:17 AM


Does it surprise you that what made me laugh the most was "R-factor of, like, 100"? I thought not. Especially as I know what it would take to get an R-factor of 100, and Elizabeth, not only would such a package not fit under the tree, it wouldn't fit through your door!

Glad to see that you feel like writing something funny; that seems like a good sign to me.

Posted by: Kimberly on December 20, 2004 07:54 PM


That's so cute!! I hope you are having some bright days :)


Posted by: Eyes for Lies on December 20, 2004 06:50 PM


Unfortunately, my wife found out that I can wrap gifts, once I decide to DO it. She thinks this is a useful trait, similar to being able to reach things at the top of the closet and kill spiders.

She also realizes, that given my overactive Filibuster Gland, I wouldn't actually have any Christmas Gifts wrapped before New Years, so she pretty much does it herself.

I love your description. Have you gotten a Yugo yet this year?

Posted by: ben on December 20, 2004 01:47 PM


My husband isn't a very good gift-wrapper either. It's surprising, actually, since he's very artistic and precise when he wants to be. I think it's because he's English. It's like some kind of European tradition to wrap your gifts in toilet paper and then step on them a few times, so they don't look too fancy. That's what I think, anyway.

Posted by: notdonnareed on December 20, 2004 01:29 PM