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Random Words and Little Decisions

December 02, 2004 | Category: In My Life



Two weeks ago was a week of anger and acting mean. Last week was one of despair. This week started in immobilizing sadness. But by yesterday I had begun to breath again. I've been making decisions. Little ones.

That is not to say that I am gearing up for big decisions. What is next is not a momentous announcement. What is next is more little decisions.

I heard one that 'Character is in the choices we make first thing in the morning and not in response to something that has gone wrong'. I am trying to feel out my character. I am trying to make choices that build love and peace. Even if they hurt. Even if they confound me. I am pushing away at the yummy isolation - moving from reaction into action.

On that note, let me say .... I think I am in love with all the people who read my site.

Except that one, and that other one. Who seemed to think that I was doing them a favor by being in a brittle place because they felt stronger in comparison. My advice, and no one asked for it, is that if there needs to be a comparison study to feel good about one's life then somewhere someone got the definition of "life" wrong.

And on that note, life is too short not to be panting for one's Celebrity Boyfriend. Therefore, and I know this will break his heart, but I really think I need to break up with Bradley Whitford. I'll still adore him, but for the second Thursday in a row I realized that *whoops* 'West Wing' was on last night and I forgot. My celebrity boyfriend needs to be compelling.

I am trolling for suggestions.

And as a practical follow-up to "Sorry seems to be..." I have almost finished the holiday not-newsletter. It is December 2, and normally I would be done by now. But I found myself unable to write about the year. Not because it is all bad. Of course not. There was much good. But because right now, this minute - the prism of my perspective is muddy.

Instead I created 10 minutes of a DVD with the un-Photoshopped JPG and AVI files of the year (yes, raw. I'm not brave, it's just that the program I was using is an intolerant b*tch) . I finally picked the music. "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys, "Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong and "Love is all you need" by the Beatles and sung by Lyndon David Hall.

I have decided that if I never hear "Love is all you need" again, that would be just fine.

That accomplished last night. By this morning, I was feeling a little more "me".

I got up this morning at 4:30. Actually got out of bed at 5:15. Pulled it all together for a strong status report today. I put my head back in the game. I told a new exec out in the UK who was talking to me afterwards that yes, I was might be interested in relocating to the UK. I brushed up my CV.

Most of all, today I cherished Bear. Like the tingling you get when your foot wakes up - sometimes being so connected to another human being just plain hurts. I don't want to think about his dad and I but how can I not when I look at Bear's smattering of freckles and impish grin? I love him for who he is all by himself. But in him, there is always the both of us.

I have decided to take Elia, our own Mary Poppins, home and then to give Bear a bubble bath. I have decided to take tomorrow afternoon for us to make cookies. I have decided to call the doctor in the morning and have my annual check-up - even though it means that I will end up with my breasts frozen and squished in a metal vise in the torture that is genteely known as a mammogram.

And between CD and I, there has been no major improvements; no unbreachable gulfs. There is respect and gentle civility. There is a mountain ahead. I don't know yet where the path will lead.

I have decided to keep walking. Until tomorrow. In little steps. And see.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


Here's to the paranoid me hoping to hell that I wasn't one of the two who took the opportunity to make you feel worse, cause honey, my life's a train wreck too. I don't compare. I sympathize.

In the meantime, I will give you John Cusack. The world knows he's my baby, I mean he's super tall and hot AND smart (he wrote "Grosse Point Blank", after all). I think he'd do you a world of good. It's the tall dark and quiet ones we have to watch out for.

/Helen
VP os MAS

Posted by: Helen on December 7, 2004 04:44 AM


You sound a little more clear today. But that's what life deals us "moments of fuzziness" "moments of clarity" and "moments of sheer confusion" You are definitely taking steps on your journey. Steps that include the constant display of love for your Bear.

Posted by: Grace on December 4, 2004 10:58 AM


One of the things that impresses me most about you (and trust me, a lot of things about you impress me) is your strength. You sound strong even when you are writing about crawling under desks and hiding from the world.

Posted by: Michele on December 4, 2004 09:46 AM


You sound stronger. Even if it's not all better, I'm so glad to hear all of this.

Posted by: Terri on December 3, 2004 05:01 PM


How about Colin Firth? Except I might need him for myself later.

Posted by: Beth on December 3, 2004 04:53 PM


Little steps are all you need to get momentum :)

Many congrats on your nomination! That's awesome!

As for a celebrity boyfriend, I've always admired Harrison Ford. He's a little old, but oh boy he is just the type for me :) Or, perhaps The Croc Hunter LOL :)

Posted by: Fredette on December 3, 2004 10:36 AM


Whoa, Elizabeth - am I the only one who noticed you may be interested in relocating to Britain? Intriguing 'little step'! Does CD go with?

Celebrity boyfriend - Bill Murray. He's cover boy on Esquire this month. Nicest guy in showbiz. Funny, odd looking guys make the hottest, most passionate lovers.

All the best to you, beautiful Elizabeth.

Posted by: GraceD on December 3, 2004 09:17 AM


Elizabeth, as comforting as it is, isolation is bad and only leads to . . . further isolation. Try and look at the mountain ahead with the same sparkle in your eye that you look at Bear's life stretching before him. Sometimes all you need is a different perspective to jolt you out of a rut.

Posted by: Philip on December 3, 2004 08:14 AM


Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is the only thing to do.

Thinking of you often...

Posted by: Kimberly on December 3, 2004 02:12 AM


One step at a time. You can handle it. If anyone in the world can do it, it's you.

Posted by: Margi on December 3, 2004 12:41 AM


Hugh Jackman. Definitely.

Posted by: Psycho Kitty on December 2, 2004 11:37 PM


Good for you. These steps may be small, yes, but then again, they are huge.

"Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon."

What the heck is that song about? I don't know. God only knows is awesome (Sir Paul McCartney has said it is his favorite song) and I've shared how I feel about What a Wonderful World. These would also be my choices if I were to try and soundtrack anything about my kids, my life. I would hope I could live up to the spirit.

I read another blog, tonite, about a guy who has finally decided to let his relationship go. He decided the little ember he had been protecting and nourishing, what was left of his relationship, might have to go out; so that he could move on and nourish the flame with his son. It was quite touching and if you want I can find the link. It's been a long night and there has been much whiskey...

all the best...

Posted by: ben on December 2, 2004 10:38 PM


Celebrity boyfriend: I would be willing to share Pierce Brosnan with you, but just for a little while.
The journey: I think you're on the right track. Take care of you, take care of Bear, and let Bear take care of you, too. I bet he has hugs overflowing.

Posted by: Tammy on December 2, 2004 09:38 PM


I've been thinking about you. I don't know why. I don't even know you. But I've been thinking and worried. I guess it's because I've been in your shoes and I know how difficult it is. I think you're right to take it one step at a time. Here's to hoping those steps take you in a direction you want to go, even if the path is long and hard.

Posted by: Laura on December 2, 2004 08:34 PM


My best to you, E! The fact that you are not pushing, pulling or rushing anything shows a lot. If this was easy it wouldn't be worth a container of salt. I am "only" 4 hours away if you ever need anything...a hug, a minute away or whatever.

Posted by: Soccamom on December 2, 2004 08:30 PM


Oh yes, and I'm hoping beyond hope that I wasn't somehow that one person or that other one.

Posted by: Cheryl on December 2, 2004 08:22 PM


Love you, Elizabeth. And as the cliche says, "the journey of a thousand miles..." Small steps sound like a good place to start. As always, here if you need anything. I know I don't comment much these days, but I know my words can't fill the pain in your heart, so I choose silence most often.

Posted by: Cheryl on December 2, 2004 08:16 PM


Congrats on reaching the foot of the mountain. I know it's been a long hard slog, and will likely get harder, but sometimes, on the mountain, it's easier to see your progress.

On the celebrity boyfriend... Sorry, no suggestions. Your tastes and mine tend to differ somewhere around the "swords and long hair" look. But if I notice any uptight, east-coast, looking chaps who seem a little sexy, I'll let you know . Just kidding. I'm really glad that you've got your feet back under you, even if you may still feel kind of wobbly.

Posted by: Cat on December 2, 2004 06:49 PM