Yo, George and John

September 23, 2004 | Category: Not The Nightly News

Yo, Dudes.

Enough already.

George?
We get it.
You are resolute. You're the kind of guy that would drive to New Brunswick and into the ocean before asking directions. You're the kind of guy that "stays on target". When you think you're right, which is always, nothing can sway you. You're a rock.

And you are passionate about being an American, and beating the crap out of the bullies on the schoolyard. Not because of the other kids who limp along without lunch money all year. But because they are a threat to us. Because the USA gets to be the only big bully on this schoolyard. Right, George?

Be nice if, just once, you realized that might doesn't make right, dude.

Whoo-hoo! Cowboy George is here to kick some butt. All the other kiddos better get out of his way.

John?
You might want to get off your moral high horse. We see you smirking up there. You think we don't have your number, too?

Yeah, dude. We get you.

Face it John - you're the Horschack of the Senate. You've got an answer to every question and you want everyone to know it. Ooh! Ooh! Call on John! Call on John!

With a brain like yours, it is too bad that you're sliding by only paying attention about 20% of the time. Oh, you think we don't know that sometimes you change your opinion because you weren't listening too good the first time around? Yeah, John - you've got a vision. But dude, sometimes you walk into walls because you've got one eye in the mirror checking your own bad self out.

Yep, here comes John and his big head to tell us the right answers.

Now, Both of You.
This isn't a junior high popularity contest cloaked in a student body election. This is your interview for the leadership of this country.

And frankly, most of us are a little weary of you two polarizing the country with your accusations that the other guy is going to be the doom of us all. In case you hadn't noticed, we are already scared. No need to start ennumerating the monsters under the bed. I don't care if you're doing it because you feel you have a legitimate response, or because you're posturing. Stop it.

We all have 9/11 burned into our hearts. Shame on you both for trying to capitalize on it.

Shame on you both for villainizing each other. You're NOT each other's enemy. The terrorists are the enemy. You two are fellow Americans.

So enough name-calling and pouting and whining. Enough sneaky mud balls. Stop embarrasing me in front of the whole planet.

In case you've forgotten, I've got a 4-year-old of my own to deal with. Not to mention an entire executive commitee who's the boss of me every freaking workday. You think I'm going to tolerate this from YOU?

Shit, no.

I've got a VOTE and I'm not afraid to use it.

You want it? You want my pretty vote?

Then here's how it is going to be. You two are going to go on the positive. You're going to sit back down in your chairs and write me an essay: "Why I want to be President." You are not allowed to refer to each other. Not once. You talk about yourself, and you be honest. You don't think I know when you're lying? Boys, neither of you is gonna win a poker contest anytime too soon.

So you ready now? For real? No more bathroom breaks. OK, George - just this once. But don't dawdle. Fine. Now, you got your pencils? (John, sit up straight. Stop slouching!) Remember, this is going to be graded by every citizen in the country so make it worth reading. (Yes, George, spelling counts.) Shoot for content. For heart. For clarity. For vision. No curves, no extra points.

Got it? All right, then. You've got six weeks.

Start.

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