The Way We Were

September 17, 2004 | Category: Thy Wedded Life

CD and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week.

Our love story isn't tidy. It was uncomfortable at times, and overlapped other lives. Too much drama.

When CD and I met, it was an explosion of chemistry. After the dust cleared, we agreed - looking at our goals and our situations - that it made sense to keep it casual. It was to be dinners and a movie. It was to be conversation and long walks. It was to be lighthearted. No hard feelings. No strings, no profound expectations, no exclusivity.

About 3 or 4 months into it, I rented my spare bedroom to a guy who was relocating to Chicago.

My new roommate, "Harry", was a co-worker of CD's . I'd met him about a month after I'd met CD. I'd had 2 or 3 dates with Harry and it had been "meh". He was more enchanted by my circle of friends than he was with me. So it was with a little relief that I stipulated that we would NOT date if he was living in my apartment. Completely platonic. He said he understood.

Of course, he immediately began acting as though we were married.

With sinking anger, I realized that I had gotten myself into one of those sticky interpersonal situations that are so agonizing for me.

I was going to have an honest "come to Jesus" with Harry. A serious confrontation. Just thinking about it made me want to cry. I started hiding from my own apartment.

At the end of that first week, on a golden September afternoon, my self-imposed banishment landed me at an outside table of a Persion cafe. It was a sunny spot inside the urban canyon of Ontario Avenue. Overhead, a flock of birds swooped back and forth across the street. It was a peaceful place to enjoy a pot of tea and write in my journal.

Hours slipped away, with a tumble of words and feelings that cramped my hand and finished the pen. I was released from the stress of my situation once I took the time to vent it and own it. I felt empowered and strong. Strong enough to face Harry. Strong enough to be happy. When CD paged, I invited him to join me.

Not long after, CD was walking down the sidewalk towards me. I got goosebumps watching him approach. My stomach flopped.

It was sunset, a chill wind had picked up. The dappled sunshine had turned to long shadows. He placed a warm hand at the back of my waist and we moved indoors. We shared a meal and laughter; we stole kisses between courses.

Then he drove me back to my neighborhood, to my local pub where Harry was holding court with my friends.

He didn't offer to come in. This was something I had to do alone.

It was hard to leave CD. He kissed me gently, and our hearts thudded. Something was suddenly different. Something was...

"Call me later," he said in the glow of the dashboard.

"OK," I agreed.

He grabbed my hand, "I'll be by around 5 tomorrow. We'll walk down to the Cubs game."

I nodded. I didn't want to get out. I didn't want to leave.

He kissed me again. I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door a crack. Turning back to look at him, I smiled.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you, too" I replied.

For me, that was our moment, getting out of the car. The look on his face, the beating of my heart. Of knowing that I'd just made a choice. And the thrill of sensation, of realizing - we'd just become us.

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