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The Fight

December 10, 2008 | Category: Thy Wedded Life



I haven't wanted to say it out loud. To admit it. Because it feels like some kind of personal failure.

About a month ago, CD and I had a fight.

The worst knock-down drag-out say things you can never take back fight since I quit my job. A fight so harsh and biting that I began to realize how precarious my position is as a homemaker - as an unemployed former corporate semi-muckety-muck.

What if I have to walk out the door? I wondered. What if I have to pack up that little boy and myself and then...then... where would we go? How would we live? Oh Dear Lord, I am at his mercy!

As the argument raged on, storming over days like waves on waves, my panic climbing up the back of my throat with the icy fury. I don't think I've felt so utterly alone in years.

Maybe ever.

It's all been too much. Everything we've been going through these past months. For both of us. And we faltered and then fell. And CD did and said some stupid things that I am struggling hard to forgive. And a friend of mine stuck their nose in, and made it so much worse that my face should have exploded. And of course, I was a total witch about it all. I cried and I shouted and made a mess of any sense of grace I might have chosen.

We've slowly turned the corner, now. Like an 18-wheeler pulling a U-ey in the Target parking lot. Inching forward - carefully. I still have this faint headache and heartache. Things will take a while to heal up from this one.

Maybe Bear and I will take a small trip somewhere, shake loose a little of these aches that cling to me like lint on a sweater. I don't know.

You just never get "there". Wherever "there" is. I thought that our happiness inoculated us from this kind of a fight. I thought our survival of that long, painful trip to the edge of reason gave us some extra kind of flexibility and understanding. I thought, after all this time, that we'd finally found a gentle place in our relationship that precluded this kind of anger and odds.

I was so very, very wrong. And that? Just sucks more than I can say.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life
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Comments


Late to the game (I'm late to everything these days), but just wanted to add my hope that things are better now. I hate feeling as though I've been alienated from the person I rely on the most. It's like walking on a ship deck during a typhoon.

I like Bear's idea of just plowing ahead and doing some happy-feeling things, in hopes that the happiness will follow. Very wise, your boy.

Posted by: Ruth on December 16, 2008 09:52 PM


{HUG}
I am so, so sorry. Nothing rocks the ground beneath you like really bad spouse-fights. Well, there are things but spouse fights are right up there near the top of the list.

I'm sending you good energy....warm fuzzy on a cold snowy night (have you looked out the window, its glorious!)

Hope to see you soon! Blessed Christmas!

Posted by: Laura on December 16, 2008 07:52 PM


Oh, Elizabeth. That just sucks. It's always so hard when fighting, and especially so when you'd thought that you wouldn't have 'that fight' again. (Or 'that kind' of fight.) So many kudos to you for picking yourselves up and getting back in it - this stuff isn't easy, and unfortunately it's the hardest times when we need the most fortitude. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you, hoping that you make it back to solid ground soon.

Posted by: Alice on December 11, 2008 11:15 PM


Thanks... I don't know if I have a fire inside of me or if it's just heartburn:) But I deeply appreciate the support. And definitely need to get me a pair of snowman jammies...

Posted by: Elizabeth on December 11, 2008 10:15 AM


It's so hard fighting with a spouse. I feel your pain and know how it aches inside. Lots of people don't even try to work through things and loose so much. I have always admired that you make decisions and stick by them. You definitely have a fire inside you. {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: Grace on December 11, 2008 07:45 AM


Fighting with people we love is the worst because it can be so cruel. Cruel because you love each other and you know which buttons to push. If you didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much, you know?

The important thing is that you both got back up in the cab of that semi and decided to make the U-turn, to steal your metaphor. It could have been so easy to let anger breed resentment and then emptiness. And maybe you know something now you didn't know before about who you are and who he is? For good or bad.

You're not a failure for wanting to believe everything is good. Rose-colored glasses can really keep you going when everything else sucks. And you're not a failure for being wrong about that either. I figure it this way, if you're still working on it, there MUST be something good there to work on, right?

or, you can ignore the busybody over here in the snowman PJs. Either way, she's sending you hugs.

Posted by: caltechgirl on December 11, 2008 01:32 AM