Closer To Fine (For You)

October 20, 2008 | Category: Depression and After

November, 2004, was the bottom. The problem with the bottom is that, by the time you get there? You've been falling so long that you don't remember how to climb.

Or even if you want to, anymore.

I never realized, as I blogged about it, that the thing that would most connect my words to the world would be neither my "corporate" self nor my "mommy" one - it would be that of a woman loving someone through the long, slow pain of recovery.

But even after all these years, it's the one thing that brings emails to my box, and pings to my instant messenger. I was talking today with a friend who is just in the absolute shits of something like it and I kept wishing I had the words to make it better.

Words don't make it better.

It sucks that the bad guy looks exactly like the person you love. It sucks that the craziness can seem so sane that it makes you wonder if you've got it all backwards. It sucks that so many people in the world think that "suck it up" is a cure, not a band-aid. It sucks that magic wands and glittery potions belong to Harry Potter and here in America we don't even have mental health coverage.

Honey, I love you. And I know you love him/her. And it's all really hard right now. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me. And if there's nothing I can do to help, then just know - you're strong, and beautiful, and amazing. And you will survive.

You will.

CLOSER TO FINE - Indigo Girls (credit: Emily Saliers)

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

and I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

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