My Cousin Vinny. Well, eventually.

October 03, 2008 | Category: Sick & Tired

My husband's friend lives pretty far off so we don't see him so often. He's flying in tonight for a visit, so I spent much of the day cleaning and making the guest room back into a guest room. Because when one lives in an ongoing construction site, an extra room turns into a depository for things like air guns and lavatory basins.

Long story short?

That new Swiffer Sweeper dusting spray is very slippery and my ass went over teakettle. Next thing you know, little birdies are flying over my head.

"Wait, wait, wait," he said. "Pause the story. Did you pass out?"

"I don't think so. I napped a little."

"On the floor?"

"The back of my head hurt all the way to my bangs."

"You banged?"

"Ha ha. I'm on, like, an extra handful of drugs right now."

"Including the red ones?"

"Oh, you bethcha."

"But are you all right?"

"Yeah, yeah. Dishes aren't done, though."

"You and your excuses."

"Tell me about it."

"Neurosurgeon's gonna charge extra if you got a lumpy skull."

"Will not, so, too."

"I'm serious, it's in the fine print."

So I warn him to warn his friend that I'll be loopier than usual. At which point, CD cops to the fact that he hasn't, actually, told his friend that I'm pretty much drugged up most of the time these days. Or the reason why.

"When were you planning on telling him?"

"On the ride home from the airport."

"You can't do that. Not at 70 miles an hour. It's just..."

"What?"

"Bambi. Right in the head. Except literally."

"Oh."

"You gotta buy him a drink first. Tell him stationary, at the very least."

"Yeah, OK. Except that might mean it's like 3 hours before we get back from the airport."

"That's cool."

And after we hung up, I thought; 1) CD's obviously still ramping up on those communication skills, 2) Frigging Swiffer Sweeper people got some 'splaining to do, and 3) My Cousin Vinny was like one of THE funniest movies. Ever.

Best quotes after the jump.

Vinny Gambini: It is possible that the two yutes...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny Gambini: Uh... what word?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Two what?
Vinny Gambini: What?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh... did you say 'yutes'?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, two yutes.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What is a yute?
[beat]
Vinny Gambini: Oh, excuse me, your honor...
[exaggerated]
Vinny Gambini: Two YOUTHS.

Vinny Gambini: What's the matter with you?
Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny Gambini: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Lisa: Well, yeah. I am.
Vinny Gambini: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny Gambini: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny Gambini: And?
Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is
[taps her foot]
Lisa: TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny Gambini: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your [taps his foot] BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Lisa: [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

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