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Reasons I Am NOT a Published Author

July 15, 2008 | Category: In My Life

5) Over 3,000 people look at my first page. Only 700 turn it to see what happens next. Clearly? I SUCK.

4) I don't write in complete sentences. No. Really.

3) My dog has a bright blue wet splot of paint on her butt. My child has informed me that he's taken up 'Bratology'. And my partner just whispered in my ear that he's only got about 30 minutes left in him, so if I want sex it's all on me.

2) My esteemed and learned editor, employer, and Yoda of Words says that I need to start using plots, 'cuz they're important.

1) I dangle my modifiers. I hang my participles. My female characters hate me. My male characters swagger a lot. The pets in my stories NEVER have freshly painted bottoms. In other words, see #5: I SUCK.

(Off to drink his orange-infused vodka and see if nail polish remover works on dog fur.)

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Complete sentences are overrated. And I once read that "it's a small mind that can only think of one way to spell a word," and I'm pretty sure that should apply to all grammar rules. Hang in there.

Posted by: Suzanne on July 19, 2008 07:55 PM

"Only" 700? That strikes me as a pretty big number! I don't have nearly 700 people in my outlook, and it has that annoying auto-populate feature.

I literally laughed out loud at #3. Fantastic! (Good to know my little boys are not alone in their bratology coursework, or that my partner is is not alone in, well, never mind....)

Posted by: Shannon on July 18, 2008 09:07 AM