Reasons I Am NOT a Published Author

July 15, 2008 | Category: In My Life

5) Over 3,000 people look at my first page. Only 700 turn it to see what happens next. Clearly? I SUCK.

4) I don't write in complete sentences. No. Really.

3) My dog has a bright blue wet splot of paint on her butt. My child has informed me that he's taken up 'Bratology'. And my partner just whispered in my ear that he's only got about 30 minutes left in him, so if I want sex it's all on me.

2) My esteemed and learned editor, employer, and Yoda of Words says that I need to start using plots, 'cuz they're important.

1) I dangle my modifiers. I hang my participles. My female characters hate me. My male characters swagger a lot. The pets in my stories NEVER have freshly painted bottoms. In other words, see #5: I SUCK.

(Off to drink his orange-infused vodka and see if nail polish remover works on dog fur.)

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