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December 03, 2007 | Category: This Old House

I know that if you read this site from a feeder or reader of some kind, you probably have the inside track when I post something and then bring it down.

In the past, I've been treasonously guilty of self-censoring. People who have known me my whole life have become frequent visitors and that has often left me a torrid case of second thoughts about my posts.

But this does not explain the past week.

I am spun glass.

I am stretched so thin that you could use me as a window to the world.

I am afraid, and trying to pretend nonchalance and bravery.

I am bold, and stoic, and calm. And convinced that I am already living a happy ending.

My doctor told me about the ping pong ball in my brain, and then you know what? I went food shopping. And looking for crafts to make my son a crown for Saturday (He's the king bringing gold in the pageant).

It's funny, but life does go on.

No neon light suddenly surrounded me, no muzak version of Amazing Grace playing as I walked my cart down the aisles.

Everyone has a story they are living.

That's what I remind myself.

But if look deeper than that, into the part of my soul that bubbles up when I sit at the keyboard, then I here the sharp crack of splitting ice. It is the glass of me, stretched too thin and breaking.

Quick, pass me the glue, before someone notices.

Or else, let me erase the proof before anyone reads.

I plead to my own weakness, my stumble in faith, and am ashamed.

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Love you, E.

Posted by: Jenny on December 6, 2007 12:52 PM

I'm not one of the feed-readers and so I don't know what the original post said, but you would be super-human if you didn't get to the end of your rope with all that is going on. We all lose hope from time to time.

I just want to say that you matter very much to me and I do read your posts regularly. I want to hear what you have to say, weather it is the hopeful brave side of you or the side of you that feels broken and spent.

But it is ok to decide you didn't want to share something, after all. No apologies necessary.

Posted by: Laura on December 5, 2007 02:59 PM

Life keeps going even when you wish it would just slow down for a little bit so you could catch up. Those cracks in the ice will seal up with the help of the cold winter wind ... from Iceland. He'll help you through just as you helped him through.

There are those of us out here who are here for you as well. Sometimes we might not know what to say or fear that we might make the cracks wider, but we're still here thinking about you and hoping for the best.

Thinking about you. Wishing there were more I could do.

Posted by: Michele on December 5, 2007 10:04 AM

I keep track of you via feed and I never care if you take down a post. I know you tip toe a very precarious line from time to time.

Lots of love, E.

Posted by: rp on December 4, 2007 08:57 PM

I'm not a feed reader so I never saw the post you removed. I've been thinking about you so much & praying for you & your family. I feel like I know you so well, but I know I don't & you have no idea who I am. If I lived near you, I would be your friend I just know that I would!! You should never feel ashamed for worrying. Believe me I am a world champion worrier. It is human nature to worry. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I will keep praying for you. I love reading your posts, but I also understand how hard it might be now. God bless you & your family! If there are people giving you a hard time, then I don't think you need to waste any time on them - I can't imagine people being hard on you with what you are going thru. Just ignore the mean people!!

Posted by: Cindy on December 4, 2007 08:03 PM

I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers.

Posted by: jill on December 4, 2007 10:43 AM

I'm one of those feed-reader readers. It's sometimes disappointing to read the first few lines, become intrigued, and then come here to find the post has vanished. Because you do this blogging thing for us, right? :)

I know the feelings you're having right now--I've been there myself. Don't apologize for having them. It's okay to crack and break now and then--it's a heavy load to bear. Everyone says to take it one day at a time, but sometimes you have to take it minute by minute. There's no shame in that.

I'm thinking of and praying for you and your family.

Posted by: Sharkey on December 4, 2007 08:43 AM