We Never Said Goodbye

October 17, 2006 | Category:

I had a dream last night about an old friend of mine. More like a nightmare. I woke up desperately thinking that I had to call him, find him, reconnect, make sure his life was OK.

As the sleep fell away from my brain, I thought; "Which town did his parents live in?" "What was his middle initial?"... as though I would just spring into action, Google him, dial the numbers up.

The last time I spoke to him (or at least, I think it was the last time...) I was saying how CD was determined that we get married with a proper wedding. An "American style" one - poofy white dress and all. He laughed at the thought of me in a poofy dress, and swore if I ever put one on that he would come and see...

Of course, he never did.

We had that wedding, just as CD imagined. In the backyard, sure. With that poofy dress and a veil that added a good yard to my height.

[digression]And I should have chopped it off after the ceremony, the damn thing was a fire hazard around the tiki torches AND it looked ridiculous as it would just attempt from time to time without warning to flip back over my face like the ragtop on a convertible. [/digression]

Only a handful of beloved people, all dressed up like it was an inauguration. We danced to a jazz band that had neighbors swaying on the sidewalks. We ate wedding cake from Swedish Bakery. We drank from an open bar that sported a cute bartender-slash-actor.

During a lull, we gathered up under the stars so the photographer could get a picture of us all.

I look at that picture, it hangs by my desk. I see the people smiling. Some have drifted away from me. And some were already ghosts lingering in the in-between.

I think about that now. I think about how no one ever writes books about when friends break up. There are 3 dozen manuals about how to conduct a relationship with a guy you brought home from a bar and tried to make a go of it with...

There isn't one about what to do when someone you love, with all your heart... someone with whom you've shared your secrets and your faith, someone your kids consider family, someone for whom you have put up with a lot of shit - and given shit in return, someone who has grown more beautiful before your eyes over years of living and shared memories....

goes away.

We never say goodbye to old friends.

There is just that one Christmas when you don't send a card. A last phone call that you don't know is the last one - so you never say the things that might matter. The visit where you hug and say "see you soon" - but don't.

Pictures on the wall, and there they are - forever smiling.

What the hell happened?

There is no camraderie of a break-up night. Drinking and bad-mouthing your old friend, hoping that if you demonize them that somehow that will mean you miss them less.

There is no middle of the night ring of the phone, tearful attempts to put things right, meeting at a diner with no makeup on and old sweatpants and sneaking looks at each other as you try so hard to find the one thing that you can fix that will turn the tide from wane to wax.

I want them back.

Friends are the chosen family. The people we get to pick. The ones we choose, on purpose. And swear we will be floating with, in a retirement community's pool and wearing purple swimming caps with bright plastic flowers on top.

Friends aren't supposed to leave. They aren't supposed to give up, find someone or something else more important.

And if they do, then frigging hell, there should at least be a goodbye.

Some way of knowing, that the friendship has turned some final bend. That we're both OK, and it was a wonderful ride, but now it is done. No more "of course I'll be there - do you want me to come early and help?".... no more group pictures ... no more watching each other's kids grow up, and remembering when.

I need a time of death.

I need to know when it stopped being OK to call just because the sun came up. Again.

I needed to know.

I needed to know it was the last time.

I needed to know.

This was for C., and all the ones we used to love - and still do.

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