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If You Give a Pig a Pancake

September 19, 2006 | Category: In My Life

I finally, finally got a manicure last Thursday. And it's already ruined.

Freaking TV broke.

Let me sum up.

No. Is too complicated.

Let me explain....

See, once upon a time, we bought an antique door while in New England. Then we strapped it on the roof of the van and drove it the million billion miles home - with it fluttering and crashing "thwacka thwacka THWACKA" the entire way.

70-dozen-bajillion Advil later, it was raining when we pulled into the driveway. So we untied it and carried it into the little garage at the back of our property.

"Careful... careful... ok.. HEAVE!!" *crash* "We'll take it out and strip it and revarnish it as soon as the weather clears..."

*crickets chirp*

Then, 2-plus years later, the television died.

So hi-ho, hi-ho to Best Buy, where the nice people smoked crack and decided to give US (of which, half is unemployed) no-interest for 18 months. An hour later, we're walking back to the infamous Thwacka van with a TV as thick as Volume 1 of unabridged Shakespeare and costing as much as my first semester at Loyola.

CD's hands sweating and face grim. Because my husband? Is very fiscally conservative. He loses sleep when our financial health slips from Kermit to Ernie.

However, this is a terrible reality for him because as an Icelander he is also bred to be acquisitive and gadget-crazy. He's always fighting the cat-like compulsion to bat around and buy bright shiny things like tin foil balls and Surround Sound systems.

So it's just best for him if we NEVER go into Best Buy. Where the one half of him is thinking about the cost of money and interest rates and getting nauseaus and the other side of him is thinking "ooooh! Pretty dials!"

We survive the trip. We survive the parking lot. Then he looks at me after sliding the Thinnest.TV.Ever into the van and says "next to the house and the car, this is the most expensive thing we've ever bought." He's wrong, the couch cost more but I'm not arguing the point with a 6-foot green-faced husband.

We get home, and place a plank over the stairs and roll a wheelbarrow into our living room to snag the Dead.Humongous.TV and roll it into the alley and then, with quiet pomp and a little circumstance, CD gently rests Thinnest.TV on the stand.

Which is in direct line of sight of the front foor.

Which we never lock unless we're home.

Because, frankly, the door is older than the dirt in the front yard, literally. We suspect the lock in it was made by Barbary Pirates. It can't be replaced, the holes aren't in any place useful to current lock mechanisms. The only key we have for it is the copy of a copy of a copy of a sailor man and only works on days ending in "shit!".

CD stands out on the front steps. He looks in at the new TV. The old TV weighed 250 pounds. We figured, if someone stole it we could always find the thief in the emergency room with a hernia. We got nothing worth stealing, we always said.


So this weekend, the "thwacka" door was uncovered during an archeological dig of the garage and pulled onto sawhorses to be restored.

To the sounds of Ziggy Marley and Muddy Waters, we sanded and sanded and scraped and sanded. And scraped. Oh, and swept the driveway.

There is a children's book called "If you give a Pig a Pancake" about how one thing ALWAYS leads to another. How, if you give a pig a pancake, you'll end up with a syrup-covered bovine in a tutu using up all your Polaroid film.

And what I'm saying is - my fingers are sore and my manicure is destroyed.

Because the TV broke.

front door
(But worth it, maybe?)

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That frikkin' pig.

He shows up around here too. Usually in the form of inlaws...then a week later the whole family has the plague and all my shoes need to be replaced.

PS. I'm not allowed to post because my blog is "questionable content"? I promise I'm not all that objectionable.

http://blogs.chron.c om/mamadrama/

Posted by: Jenny on September 20, 2006 03:03 PM

Sorry your manicure got messed up.

It's usually the pig's fault around here too . . .

Posted by: Philip on September 20, 2006 02:02 PM

I didn't 'judge', I said I was confused and concerned. Do you not recognize the difference or does that subtlety elude you? If I 'judged', I would have said something like "Are you out of your mind buying a TV when you are not financially stable?" I didn't write anything like that.
No orchestra on the Titanic here. Just concern. Financial problems, as it seems you are aware, are easier to get into than get out of. As is depression. As is an untenable situation in general, as Elizabeth has expressed over the past many months. I've had experience with all these sitautions, so perhaps you need to remember you're not in my moccasins either.

Posted by: Amy on September 20, 2006 10:55 AM

First of all, to "Amy" I'm pretty sure they had an orchestra on the Titanic. I have been in (and am slowly emerging from this situation) and there are times you need to weigh sanity against practicality. You don't get to judge until you are in that person's moccasins. So back off!
Now on to the comment. We too love those books in our house. But I can't help wonder if the pig the moose and the mouse don't have a touch of ADD. However, I must say that I empathize with both the pig (or other animals) and the poor kid who is following him around. I SOOO know how this goes. Remind me sometime to tell you about how we got a new kitchen because the oven died.

Posted by: caiwyn on September 20, 2006 09:56 AM

Ha! I'm just like CD (except the Iclandic Guy thing) dying for the latest and greatest shiny thing - but history tell's us I am a poor chooser of the shiny things & I absolutely turn green when the $ is spent so I no longer buy anything shiny. :(

Posted by: cursingmama on September 20, 2006 09:40 AM

Very confusing as you post statements like the ship is sinking and you're at risk of financially going under any day now, and then you do this major purchase. Very mixed messages - I wonder if this is only as it seems when reading the snips of your life that you choose to share publicly, or is representative of the whole picture.
I remain concerned about you.

Posted by: Amy on September 20, 2006 09:27 AM

I always find it amusing to see what it will tkae to get my husband to do anything that he had promised to do many years ago. Either it involves me screaming at him until I am drowning in my own tears (out of frustration) or things with pretty buttons.

Pretty buttoned things really get his ass in gear - so much so that I've commented that I should dress up as our new 44" widescreen LCD tv for Halloween just to get the house ready for winter. Ooh look, honey! The TV is going up into the attic with rolls of insulation!!

Now comes the point when CD will look at your new tv in circular ads or in the store and kick himself because the price had dropped.

Sometimes I swear we're married to the same person.

Posted by: Michele on September 19, 2006 09:04 PM

The entry where you describe bringing home the door? That's the first entry of yours I ever read! I loved it!
THe pig book is a favourite around here. So far, all the Terror's have learned is that pigs are messy. I think they're missing the point.

Posted by: tammy on September 19, 2006 04:03 PM