Guilty

March 16, 2006 | Category: On The Job

Once I got into management, headhunters started calling me. The odd job offers and requests to interview would come my way. Vendors I hired for my programs would usually make overtures to me. And because it is the smart thing to do, I would show interest up to a point and leave the doors open.

But there had never been anything serious that I would consider.

Except for a government consulting job that I wanted, offered about 3 years ago.

Based back on the East Coast, managing the kind of programs that really give my brain a thrill, working with some great people.

But, I would need to be vetted for Top Secret clearance for the job and in order to get Top Secret clearance you need first to be an American citizen and, if married, then married to an American citizen.

Aha.

I am married to a foreigner, you see. From the seditious country of Iceland. Ya, I know - they don't even have an army and their political agenda consists of codfish. But tell that to the fine people at the Department of Defense. Rules is rules.

So I convinced CD when the overture was first made to me to promise he would get dual citizenship (apply for American citizenship) if ever Iceland would allow it. And like a Muppets movie that will always have a happy ending, a few months later Iceland passed a law allowing dual citizenship.

Yesterday, in the flurry of final goodbye-ing and paperwork, I received a phone call from one of the guys who'd been part of that offer about 3 years ago. He warned me that I had no reasons left not to come over to the dark side - er, the government sector.

I agreed, but admitted that we hadn't finished dealing with CD's citizenship thing.

"It takes time," I sighed.

"Right-o. Then it is going to be on to the lie detector test. Are you Catholic?"

"No, Episcopalian. Why?"

"Guilt. It will trip you up."

"Are you kidding?"

"No."

I sat back and thought about it. Not that I am going to run out tomorrow and apply for this job, but it is a serious 'what if' in my back pocket.

Is there much in my life to feel guilty about? Oh, I suppose there is the regular amount. I have not always been kind, or scrupulously honest. There are lovers I have hurt. There are friends I have let down. I have turned my back on God more than once in frustration. I have used legal pads from work for my own personal grocery lists.

When I think of it objectively I know I meet criteria. There is a government tolerance for things and my experiments with life fall within them.

But lie detectors are decidedly not objective. They can not measure what you have done - they measure more how you feel about what you have done.

"Guilt?" I repeated.

"Yes," he said. "This is why many folks go through it twice."

I laughed nervously. The truth is that I would need that second chance, too, if it ever comes down to actually doing this thing.

Exhibit A: I am up at 5:30AM with a knot in my gut. I am about to apply for unemployment after 20 years of working hard. And I feel guilty, horribly guilty, about it.

Yeah.

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