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It will be OK, even if it's not OK
March 09, 2006 | Category: In My Life
So, in between walllowing and my Charmed re-runs *cough*, and the regular stuff - like my little part-time writing gig and cooking 3 meals a day and being a Bear cab service and whatnot, there's been the ongoing matter of Happy Montessori.
After all, one of the reasons I walked off the job was to attend to my son. And Happy Montessori was glad to oblige with becoming more and more high-maintenance.
They insist that Bear has some kind of attention problem. And are now saying that there is nothing more they can do for him if I do not get him tested.
They will not be specific on the problem, I have since learned that it is considered unprofessional if they label him or attempt to diagnose.
Which means the whole thing is a communication farce.
They tell me, over and over, that they have "concerns".
I ask what they mean.
They tell me all about his "symptoms".
Monday, the headmistress told me all about how Bear yawned 16 times and picked his nose twice in the 30 minutes she'd spent observing him the week before.
I'm like... "well, was he tired, maybe?"
And she was like "I don't think so," in a tone of voice that clearly called me a dim bulb.
All righty then.
The specialist (who no longer speaks to me) sent home a note that informed me that Bear had become too distracted to complete his assignment after 15 minutes, and that he was to finish it at home.
I thought 15 minutes of focus from a 5 year old working independently was pretty good. I was informed that I thought wrong.
Finally, I gave in and called Dee. Unloaded that things since our meeting at the school last month have gone from bad to worse.
So she came over this morning and I repeated everything they have said - I estimate that between the school, his teacher, the headmistress, the specialists, the pediatrician, the OT intake person, etc. that I have spent roughly 20 or 25 hours on the phone talking about this in the last 3 weeks.
Not including internet research time - that is, when the dang link is holding steady.
So.
Where was I?
Oh, right.
Over homemade cinnamon rolls and coffee (bribery is a good thing) she listened to the whole song and dance from the beginning (It's turned into the "Alice's Restaurant" of tales).
"Sounds like they've think he has "ADHD-Inattentive Type"," she told me.
I went from 0 to 60 in about a nanosecond. "Bear is NOT Hyperactive!!" I roared.
"No, he's not," she agreed. "ADD or ADHD Inattentive Type means that they suspect that he's got something in the way of him focussing, sustaining his attention, and resisting distractions from his task. That he's not choosing to be distracted but that he can't help himself."
"But he's only 5!"
Dee nodded. "Yes, one of the conditions of this diagnosis is that symptoms appear before 7 years old."
"But he's great at home, or at karate!"
Dee nodded again. "Often, the symptoms aren't obvious until a child starts school. That's where he would be put in settings that would really showcase his challenges."
I leaned against the counter. This is Dee. About a dozen years' experience in the area and a wall full of accolades. I would trust her with Bear's life or future without thinking twice.
I felt all my rejection of the whole situation drain down into the floor. 'This is real,' I thought. Like it was the first time.
God.
The last 3 weeks, all these phone calls and meetings and research. I have been consistent in my insistence that there is nothing wrong with my son. I refused to even consider the idea. I clung to his lack of hyperactivity and his ability to focus well at home and at karate as a sign that the school was terribly wrong.
And the truth is, Bear isn't the only one in trouble. CD is struggling and while he wants to be part of all this - he must renew his efforts with his own demons. My lack of employment has knocked the stuffing out of him, and he's trying to get back up.
So. I had decided, in my vast imitation of a Divine Being, that nothing could be actually wrong with Bear because CD was struggling. Only one at a time, right?
Heh. Cause I got all that Power. (When I was a chaplain, we used to help each other remember our limitations with little jokes like "Hey, Elizabeth. God called. He wants the car keys back.")
Remembering that helped. I'm here, whole and healthy.There is nothing stopping me from doing what I can for Bear and letting go of what I can't.
I looked at Dee and nodded. "No medication," I said firmly.
"Absolutely not," she agreed. "He's 5."
I nodded again.
"So have him tested," she touched my arm. "And remember that it is going to be OK. Even if it's not OK, it will be OK."
"It will be OK?" I repeated, disbelieving. "He can still live like..."
"Yes," Dee promised with enthusiasm. "If this is what he has, then remember - it is a common diagnosis. You wouldn't believe all the amazing people who have lived with it."
"We were thinking of moving anyway.... now, for sure we need to find a good school district for him. Especially if we can't afford a Montessori program next year..."
"One step at a time," Dee warned. "One step at a time..."
I hugged her for a long moment. And then she drank more of my bad coffee and I nibbled another roll.
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Here are the symptoms of AD/HD (known as either/both ADHD or ADD) Inattentive Type. The key is that they have to be consistent, persistent (not triggered by something like a parent's divorce or an illness like a cold), start before the child is 7, and impair the child from expected developmental levels:
# often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities;
# often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities;
# often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;
# often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions);
# often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities;
# often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework);
# often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments,pencils, books, or tools);
# is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;
# is often forgetful in daily activities.
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