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Good Advice

July 19, 2005 | Category: In My Life



Fredette asked me an important question a few weeks ago: What do I want?

She assumed I knew the answer.

I don't.

You see, I am a practical person. My wants do not have wings. They are bounded by the possible, the probable, the here and the nearby.

I love this house.

It is the house in which my son has tracked his growth, in which my husband found recovery, in which dreams were made and arguments settled.

In every inch, there is a vision of how we meant it to be. The kitchen with such and so cabinets. A second bathroom here. New crown moulding there. The chandelier would be stained glass...

But all those visions were feuled by assumptions. That I would be a stay-at-home mom, doing and supervising the work. That we wouldn't be in debt before we began. And once I went back to work, then the vision changed - then it would be CD, stay-at-home dad and student, doing so much of the work by hand.

I have scraps from catalogs, furniture and wall colors. He has plans and CADs.

And everywhere you look, the visions fade into reality: chaos.

Except for 2 rooms - Bear's bedroom and the Living Room (designated sactuaries) - the house scares me. Paths carved out of piles through rooms. Furniture pushed together, clutter in bins, toys and tools lumped together in baskets, and paper, paper, paper everywhere your eye travels.

To misquote Jack Nicholson's Penguin - This house needs an enema.

And I just don't know that there is a practical goal from here. My doctor and my counselor have both told me in clear precise English that my life is hurting me. And my son, oh how he needs me to be here and healthy for him.

I am not asking to run away from my problems. I'm not planning to run off and live in a hotel (although, I have this fantasy...)

But if we sell this house as-is, then we lose the possibility of it. This is practical dollars. If we bought it for $10, and put $5 into it, and then sell it for $15 then no, strictly speaking, it is not a loss. But it doesn't get us very far.

However, if I can hang tough and put another $5 into it (and the sweat and time) - then we could sell it for $25.

But the speed at which things go with CD working and commuting and the amount we can afford to spend on things in any given week - that last bit could take up to another year or more.

And I don't know if I have another year to give to this house.

So... a house in the country? a house downtown? or stay around here with a bigger house? Take the possible position in London and move overseas for a couple of years? Or stick it out in the house, even if it takes all the medication in the pharmacy? Come up with a halfway plan? Call 'Designed to Sell'?

I have to figure this out.

*sigh*


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Comments


E -- Once you remove all the boundaries you have on yourself right now (we can't sell the house and profit, it has emotional value) -- and just dream about what you want -- all the other components will align.

When I say dream, I do want you to dream of everything -- and every possibility. It will guide you to where you want to go.

Then we can sit down and determine the best path to get there.

I hope you have a great visit to the country!

Posted by: Eyes for Lies on July 22, 2005 10:06 AM


Using your same analogy:

Right now, your mind and body have a defecit of, say, 5$. You can sell your house right now, break even, and you'll still need $5 to renovate your mind and body.

Let's say you put $5 more into the house. Like you said, you will be able to sell it for $25, but how much will your mind and body defecit increase during that time?

I cannot say.

You have a tough decision before you. Good luck.

Posted by: FemaleCSGradStudent on July 21, 2005 10:02 PM


Would it help to rent a storage unit? Just throw all the crap out of sight? We finally did so, and I love that I can actually walk into my walk-in closet....

Posted by: Elizabeth on July 20, 2005 12:48 PM


I read a book once -- I wish I could remember the title -- that talked about learning to bend like a blade of grass. It really spoke to me, because I've always been a stubborn, goal-oriented person with an inexplicable attraction to brick walls. Every once in a while, you really do need to take the easy road. It may not be the quickest way to get where you want to go, but you just have to have faith that you will get there in the end.

If I were you, I wouldn't make any significant decisions until after the Lexapro kicks in. Things will look a lot different when you're not drowning in anger and futility.

Posted by: notdonnareed on July 20, 2005 11:53 AM


With real estate values escalating across the US, I am stunned to hear that you are in a "break-even" situation. Have you confirmed your value with more than 1 realtor? I was in an identical situation to yours, what with my health plummuting due to overwork...then my sister and my mom passed away and I snapped like a green bean. We sold our house and moved to Colorado and I am overwhelmed by the beauty and space in my new home. We went from 1900 sq ft to 3,000 sq ft and I now have storage space for everthing. It makes a HUGE difference to my psyche. Keep following your intuition, your body is screaming for relief. I know, I've (recently) been there.

Posted by: jill on July 20, 2005 11:29 AM


honey, I wouldn't begin to know how to answer that question. And it's certainly not b/c I want for nothing.

I think I was so depressed for so long, that I just kind of gave up on wanting anything and learned to just plow through each day. And that kind of became habit. I guess I should consider this more.

Posted by: kalisah on July 20, 2005 11:16 AM


Know any good arsonists?

Posted by: Genuine on July 20, 2005 10:55 AM


I am glad you are thinking about your future :)

I think right now you are stuck with "what is" and it is fogging the "what-ifs".

Forget about everything that "is" right now. Wipe the slate clean in your mind. Forget about everything.

If you didn't have to think about money -- what would you do right now? Would you move? Would you pay someone to de-clutter the house, and then rennovate? Would you ultimately be happy in this home -- or would you be happier in another home? If you'd be happier in another home -- what would it look like?

Where do you get your energies -- from city live -- or quite coutry lanes? In other words, when you have free time -- where you tend to go? When you dream of a vacation -- where is it? Traversing a new city -- or exploring the countryside?

Dream with me, E. Sit back, get a drink, close your eyes and dream of where you would like to live and what your ideal life would be like. Forget about boundaries -- let the sky be the limit.

Then describe it, write it and down and share it with me. Don't let any fear or reality get in your way -- just dream!

Posted by: Eyes for Lies on July 20, 2005 10:41 AM