No one to dance with

June 07, 2005 | Category: In My Life

There's a part of me that would love to be invited to groups like the Cotillion, where women bloggers who are sharp, witty, and passionate swap their stories to expand their dialogue and audience.

But then I remember that I am a Leftist Pinko Abortion-loving Godless heathen. Even if I found a way to crash the party, I'd have no one to dance with.

Oh, yes. It turns out that I am the enemy.

I read it, so it must be true.

Now, I'm not like like the Queen Enemy. Heck, I'm not even cool enough to wear sweatshop-made bracelets around my fat wrist to announce that I am against poverty and hunger and bad stuff like that.

Well, maybe I AM cool enough, but only because I am sucking about eleventy billion gallons of oil right now to chill my house so that I can turn around and sleep under a comforter made by off-shoring good ol’ USA jobs to underage Malaysian children.

I'm just a tent pole in the enemy camp. I SIP the kool-aid. I FEEL for the people wearing those bracelets. I ALIGN with them. Because Brad Pitt is a hottie. So is Angelina. And I am like the swallows to Capistrano, yes. Where Brad and Angelina tell me to pray, that's where I pray.

You see, it's just like Pat Buchanan suspected all along. Yes! It is TRUE and I can no longer deny it! We Liberal anti-marriage morally corrupt traitors DO hang out together in a secret cave plotting ways to defame that paragon on honest leadership, George W. Bush ("Don't call me junior"!).

We have flow charts and PowerPoint slides and we carefully transcribe all our evil machinations into action items every night and publish them with a secret decoder ring. Then we hit Dunkin Donuts for a cup of Joe and a sprinkled donut.

Hell, yes. I hate America.

Also? Mom, Apple Pie, and all U.S. Soldiers.

Wait.

I'm lying.

*sigh*

She reads this and even to be a rocking Hollywood scum I could never deny her.

Mom, I love you. Sorry about what I said there.

Also?

The soldier I married. Yeah, I love you, too, you socialist-raised crazy man.

Shit.

The truth is that I love God. I mean, really love God. And Jesus, too.

I also love America, Apple Pie, and pretty much every drum-banging parade I've ever been to.

Crap, I'm a LOUSY liberal.

I'm losing my membership card over this, aren't I? And dagnabbit, wouldn't you know that I JUST had my "Radical Libber" t-shirt bedazzled and dry-cleaned.

OK, you got me. I just can't stand up to your amazing tactics of stereo-typing. I give, ok? I GIVE.

Turns out that even though I vote Democrat most of the time, I am not the Conservative's enemy. Sure, wouldn't this world be a better place if us pessimistic evildoing ACLU types just stuck to script so that those nice people who think the flag belongs just on their flagpoles would know who the bleeping bad guys are?

I guess in the meantime I'll just have to look like every other American at the local park playing with my kid. Maybe they'll just have to actually strike up a conversation with me to see what I believe.

Maybe they'll discover that in some ways, I may be the opposition.

But never the enemy.

Oh, never mind. Then what fun would bashing us be?

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