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I can shut up now

April 14, 2005 | Category:



These days, I spend hours reminding myself to embrace patience and kindness. Life is a long slow pull of the band-aid. Over and over again I count to 10 to keep myself in check. In 4 languages. Backward.

I must be silent. I must endure. I must listen and thoughtfully respond.

Even with the IDIOT empire-builder who has been left in charge while the real directors are on vacation or something. So he is making me fly to MiddleofNowhere next week ...why? BECAUSE HE CAN. Because I didn't want the dang job and he so desperately, needfully does.

And back at home, where I can't unclench my teeth long enough to have a civil conversation. Where I am baited but not heard. Where I am expected to know how to fix everything, but I don't.

I think back on Job, on how he endured trial after trial. And I know, I'm no Job. I hurt, and I'm angry, and I want a life that doesn't make me nauseated to live.

This evening, I listened while my son talked on my cell phone to my mom. My mom has a tooth ache, and is facing a root canal. My son heard this and carefully explained to her that she shouldn't be sad. Her tooth was going to wiggle and be a little owie but then it would fall out. And that would be called a baby tooth. Then she should put it under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy would bring a present. And it would all turn out OK.

I pulled over into a parking spot for a moment, to wipe my face. How much I wish there was a tooth fairy for life.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


Hi Elizabeth,

I've been way out of touch for a while. I'm sorry to read about how much you've been struggling. The life fairy is way overdue in a lot of places. I wouldn't even care if she didn't leave a present under the pillow, if she would just make everything OK. I'm still hoping...

Posted by: Kimberly on April 18, 2005 01:30 AM


Im sorry life is giving you such a hard time at the moment

abs x

Posted by: abs on April 17, 2005 12:42 PM


Hugs, girl...

Posted by: Stacy on April 16, 2005 05:49 PM


Bless your heart!! I agree with RP, J and Eyes for lies dream for yourself and then believe that this will happen. You deserve it!!!
Be ruthless with your belief in yourself and your dream. I believe in you!!! `

Posted by: Azalea on April 16, 2005 03:43 PM


That Bear has life pretty much figured out. I think he's a wise old bear, in a little red-headed body. Listen to him.

Posted by: Tammy on April 15, 2005 04:41 PM


Sorry you're feeling so down. You still manage to write beautiful posts. Thinking of you.

Posted by: Kris on April 15, 2005 04:31 PM


*waves magic wand*

Don't ever give up hope dear.

Posted by: Philip on April 15, 2005 02:53 PM


hell, if you DO ever find a tooth-fairy for you life, send her my way when she's done with you. ;o)

It's very sweet that Bear was helping your mom feel better. He sounds like a compassionate little guy.

I don't think there are easy answers. To anything. Not even dreaming and making plans and following through on your plans. I'm too practical, I guess. I do think we have to keep one eye on the door (figuring out a possible escape -- from the bad work situation we're in) and just try to make peace the best we can with the rest. And soak up all of that sweet little boy you can.

Jen

Posted by: Jen_Jake'smom on April 15, 2005 01:32 PM


I think you need to sit down and dream -- unbound about what life would be like if you could have everything you want.

Where would you live? Would you work? Part-time or not at all all? If you worked, what would be your dream job? Where do you want to be in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years? What is most important to you at the end of the day? When you die, what will you have cherished the most? Do you focus on those things or are you letting unimportant things drain all your energy? What would be a happy balance for you? What makes you HAPPY (maximize it)? What makes you sad (minimizing it!)?

I found that when I was most down in life that I needed to dream, wander in my mind to cement where I wanted to go. Then I devised a plan, set it into motion and refused to look back. I wasn't going to accept anything but that dream -- and it happened.

You have the power to do the same. I hope your dreams come true...

Posted by: Eyes for Lies on April 15, 2005 09:30 AM


I had the same thought as RP there. I wanted to say that there comes a point when we evolve into being our own Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Peter Pan, and Super Hero all rolled into one. Sometimes it might be hard to believe they're in us, sometimes they might be buried deep beneath the fears, the obstacles, the doubts.

But they are there. And they have an uncanny way of coming to our rescue in the nick of time, when we least expect to find that shiny quarter under our pillow.

Trust yourself, Elizabeth.

I believe.

Posted by: Jennifer on April 15, 2005 08:07 AM


There is a tooth fairy for life and I think its inside of you. You can find it by slowing down for a minute so its voice is less muted. Look for it in the cherry blossom tree's first bloom. You'll hear it and it will find you. I have no doubt. You deserve it.

Posted by: RP on April 15, 2005 07:16 AM