Enough

March 14, 2005 | Category:

I couldn't get to sleep last night.

I laid in bed, and did that thing that I do to fall alseep.

I imagined having enough.

It used to be that I would imagine winning the lottery. But at some point in my life it occured to me that since I don't play the lottery, I will never win it. And my logical brain rebelled.

So now I imagine 'enough'.

In my 'enough' fantasy, I am home taking care of my son. I am his primary caregiver. But we can still afford the Montessori school.

In my 'enough' fantasy, we have time. All the time for me to be, as Anna calls it, 'the water to his sponge'. Bear and I do all those crafts, we learn to cook together, we talk about why the sky is blue at the Science Museum instead of in a rushed conversation between points "a" and "b".

In my 'enough' fantasy, there's enough left between CD and I to build this amazing, generative relationship. The kind I used to think we had. The kind where we once again spend long road trips arguing religion and politics at turns serious and others, laughing.

In my 'enough' fantasy, there are some decent contractors in our county - and we find them. And little by little the electricity and the plumbing are brought up to date. The stairs to the second floor are put in. And before Bear is too much older, we have enough room for us all in our formerly tiny bungalow.

In my 'enough' fantasy, there's health and energy to do most of the things I mean to do in a day. The time with Bear and CD, the workouts, and the errands, the writing, and the classes I am still eager to take.

Enough looks different to everyone. What's your 'enough'?

(And yes, I slept like a log)

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