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Couldn't get much worse

November 17, 2004 | Category: In My Life



Bear is acting out.

He's doing it because life around him is frayed and he's only 4. His communication mechanism for announcing emotions is to act them. One day, he will be able to sublimate the feelings into healthy creative ways (like eating an entire Sara Lee Black Forest Cake in one sitting). For now he makes do with stomping his feet and telling his babysitter that she's a doody-head for not letting him have his way.

*sigh*

Since I'm not sure that Bear notices what is going on with my job or my diet, I think he's reacting strongly to the fact that CD and I are not doing well. Because, you know, it's important that everything in my life share a communal moment of suckage.

CD's been treating me, more and more especially in the last 6 months, like I am HIS mother as well as Bear's.

And not in a nice way. In the crappy way that a teenager treats their mom.

Like I am somehow responsible for making sure his team shirt is clean on game days and remembering to hit the ATM so he can have money for hanging at the mall and hey, while I'm at it, make him dinner and then wash the dishes.

It's ok to forget you mom's birthday and then do some idiotic last-minute thing and expect that to make it all better. It's ok to drown her in the details of your day and then hang up without asking how she is.

I mean, it's NOT ok - but in a sense it's ok in that it happens. In a short time period of years. For a child. And their PARENT.

But not for a wife. So finally today I took a deep breath and drew a line in the sand.

Either he starts up the time machine and starts turning his behavior back into adult, equal, romping partnership that we had or else he needs to take his adolescent self out of the nest.

I'll keep you posted.


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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life



Comments


*gulp* 5 years ago Mike could have written this about me. And I hope with all my heart that CD will look at you and decide all the same things I decided back then when I looked at Mike. That happily ever after wasn't real, and that happily ever sometimes, with warts and stuff was ok too.

Posted by: Michele on November 19, 2004 10:06 AM


I get tired of being the only grown-up, too. I don't even have the liberty of being able to say "I ain't yo' mama," because his mom died when he was 9 and he uses that for the root of all his problems. I don't mind raising MY little boy, but raising his daddy isn't what I signed up for. I am SO feelin' you. I hope things get better soon.

Jen

Posted by: Jen_Jake'smom on November 19, 2004 07:44 AM


I hope I don't get shot for saying this, but I've always thought that sometimes "working things out" and "fixing the situation" etc means learning to go separate ways. Still being parents to Bear, but not necessarily partners. You know what's best for you. Take care of yourself, and feel free to send an e-mail of nothing but crying. I can take it!

Posted by: Tammy on November 18, 2004 09:31 PM


Bless your heart!! I have no advice, just a friendly ear if needed.
Consider yourself hugged.

Posted by: Azalea on November 18, 2004 03:28 PM


Thinking of you during this time~

Posted by: Angie on November 18, 2004 12:24 PM


I'm sorry things are shitty right now. I can identify with the "soulmates seem like strangers" line. I guess that's what's happening at my home.

I don't have any great advice since I'm going through the early stages of this myself, I suppose. But I'll try and be a good listener if you want one.

Posted by: ben on November 18, 2004 12:13 PM


{{hugs}} Check out "When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages." It helped us tremendously during a time when both of us almost walked out the door forever.

Posted by: Cheryl on November 18, 2004 10:38 AM


I know this may not help, but, obviously (as seen below), so many of us have been there. As always, I'm thinking of you and Bear.

Posted by: Terri on November 18, 2004 10:34 AM


You are going through a tough time. My heart goes out to you. If you need a friend, I am here for you, okay?

I think all men are prone to take a foot when given and inch and the chance. I know every now and then I have to stop my husband. I often start by calling him a "bitchy woman". He bitches and bitches and bitches. I finally tell him I don't want to hear it, I live in the same world -- and well, grow up!

Perhaps he needs a little swift reminder when he has demands. "If that is how you are going to talk to me, I have NOTHING TO SAY."

I hope it works out for you. ((((((Hugs)))))

Posted by: Fredette on November 18, 2004 09:21 AM


Sounds familiar - my husband has been away for about two months on a job assignment, got back and suddenly I have three kids in the house, and I can't threaten this one with "no swimming until you've tidied up". Hope you guys work it out, I am going to take your lead and go draw some lines in the sand.

Posted by: Colette on November 17, 2004 10:28 PM


I'm sorry you guys are struggling right now.

A friend recommended this book:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684835398/onehotmamanurscl/ref=nosim/102-6661825-8518504

I still have yet to pick it up (and she recommended it years ago) but it was a situation like you described that had her swearing this book saved her marriage.

Also, you really need to enlist one of your super great girlfriends as a 'dead mouse finder' - The Sweet Potato Queens suggest having a girlfriend act as the offical spouse suprise gift informer - you select several options, she tells the spouse your choices (Your wife would freak the heck out if you gave her this... it's all she's talked about blah blah blah) and then the hubs is supposed to be smart enough to follow along with the plan.

I'm thinking of you. This marriage stuff is hard work.

Posted by: Jenny on November 17, 2004 08:18 PM


I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but my husband and I had serious problems a few years ago, right after our son was born. There was just so much going on in our lives at that point, and we weren't handling it together. It kind of felt like every man for himself, and we both freaked out.

I mention that because you know how happy we are now. I guess my point is that even soulmates can feel like strangers sometimes. And even the most wonderful man in the world can be a real jerk on occasion.

When my husband and I sat down and talked it out, I was surprised by what was at the root of his insensitive behavior. Once we got it out in the open, things improved immediately.

I'm wishing you all the best. ((hugs))

Posted by: notdonnareed on November 17, 2004 07:23 PM


I hope that everything works out. I have days I feel this way, but I don't have an actual child so it isn't nearly as bad. Good luck.

Posted by: Jazzy on November 17, 2004 04:30 PM


*deep breath* Good luck here. This is very hard. Unsolicited advice? Ask him what is wrong with him, why his behavior has changed. Don't just draw a line in the sand without trying to communicate. I'm sure you have tried, but I'd feel bad if I didn't mention it.

Posted by: RP on November 17, 2004 02:44 PM


Hey - this entry struck me. For days (in my head) I've been calling my husband the teenager. He's moody. He doesn't tidy up after himself. He locks himself away in a "hovel" to play endless computer games. And? He's hardly doing his part in the budget/spending/bringing money in part of things. I'm at a loss.
Was there actual ultimatum? Or a more calm, collected line drawn?

Posted by: Laura on November 17, 2004 02:29 PM