Welcome to America

October 13, 2004 | Category:

Dear Dude,

I read about what you did, and I figure you're new here.

Sorry about the sign, I've been bugging GW to get it fixed for ages, but you know how HE is... oh sure, he'll charm the pants off you but does he ever get to his To-Do list? That's what I'm saying.

So you missed the sign. Yeah, I'll catch you up - no worries.

'Home of the Free'

Here's how it works - you are free to make any choices as long as you don't interfere with the choices of others.

This means you can be a reformed Druid and drop to your knees and pray to a Ficus. How cool is that? Just think of all the places this is illegal.

It was once in this country, too. In the olden days there was an assumption that society had to litigate Christianity to preserve the souls of its citizens. But in the last century, we've been exposed to enough Roddenberry to realize that legalizing any religion is stupid and wrong and always leads to very bad things.

Sure, you might see some old 'moral' laws still around, or people trying to put new ones on the books.

Ignore them.

Turns out that organized Christianity has problems enough. Oh, and this just in - turns out that Christianity isn't the only religion on the planet.

So stick with me here, I wouldn't lead you astray. Focus on statements like Voltaire- "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

In America we embrace this Freedom within an imperfect social and civil law system meant to make sure that your rights end at your neighbor's nose. It's a dream, the one at the foundation of this country.

It means that you absolutely have the freedom not to take part in a sin by your definition. You may lay down your life for your Ficus, bro - and hey I'll applaud you for it. Not enough Ficus-loving going on.

And you are free to grab a sign, step on public property, and warn away anyone you feel is in dire risk of their soul. Oh - yes, this is part of your freedom too. You can shout up and down in front of the Municipal Building that garage sales can cause demon possessions. You can warn people away from getting garage sale permits and invite them to donate their worldly goods to your Church of the Ficus.

But. Here's a quiz. What can't you do?

You can't go to school, get a job at the Municipal Building, and then start denying people garage sale permits if they are legally entitled to them. Because? That's right! No interfering with other people's freedoms.

This also means you can't go to school, get a job at the Brooks Pharmacy, and tell the person with the prescription that they can't have their drugs.

I know that there has been a trend of this lately, and that maybe you even think that you showed courage. And maybe you did.

It's not for me to say.

I can say that a safe, effective Birth Control pill was a battle before your time, and that toothpaste isn't going back in the tube until hordes of men clamoring to wear condoms make it obsolete.

And maybe, maybe, just maybe, you're thinking - well there's no law against denying it.

Ah.

But you forget. I said "Social and Civil Law System..."

Don't be embarrassed. Many foreigners get confused by this. Now you can see why I've been on GW about that sign...

Honey, in this country, our power comes not only from our laws but from something almost as strong - our wallets. That means while it's not against the law for you to refuse to do your job in the face of your religion it's also not against the law for you to be fired for it.

Ain't capitalism a bitch?

I hope this all helped you; I could see you were unclear on the concept. My heart went out. If not, hey - at least it was something for you to read in between the want ads.

Oh, and Welcome to America.

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