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From there to here

October 11, 2004 | Category:

I want to thank everyone for your kind emails about my Blogging for Books entry. I published it on a weekend, when I figured traffic would be slow, and was blown away by the kind responses. I've tried to write a thank you for each one; but this is my deep bow public thanks. I am so terribly touched and grateful.

I've read most of those other entries and frankly, some of those bloggers should, and probably will, be Top 10 authors. I recommend them.

The overwhelming question that has been asked is "However did you ever get from there to here”?

It was a slow climb. For years, I kept getting into relationships where I had to "test" my partner, to make sure he would hold fast - even if I was pummeling him with little rabbit punches in anguished fury. It took me years to learn how to argue, how to share, how to give up control of the relationship but not responsibility.

I made many mistakes. It took a counselor's help but the cycles grew looser and healthier. I had to fight perception, the ones that kept me pegged. "Oh, she's broke again" they would complain. "Oh, they're breaking up. You know how she is with relationships."

In May, 2000 I kind of had that "epiphany" moment. CD's company had flown both of us out to California so CD could manage an IT migration. They put us up at a gorgeous hotel, and I was on a brief lull from bedrest in my second trimester expecting Bear.

We took our new digital camera to Santa Monica one afternoon, and I realized as we walked barefooted down the beach: Hey, I'm happily married, solvent and debt-free with a down payment for a house in the bank... we have a counselor teaching us good relationship skills, good friends, love, good careers, and we have a baby on the way.

More than a dozen years since that fateful court date, and ... I was here. Giggly and pink-cheeked and happy, I told CD that we were walking in a dream come true.

"That's funny," he said, kissing me soundly. "I thought we were walking in California."

Picture by Elizabeth: Santa Monica Beach 5/2000

And I had some additional realizations in that tangerine sunset:

1) They don't send down an actual angelic choir of angels when there's an epiphany. More like a flock of seagulls dive bombing your rental car.

2) Drama, crises, orgasmic joy - these things happen in everyone's life. It's OK to have a juicy existence and to live out loud - as long as it is from a center of confidence and faith, and there is a state of grace within.

3) Digital cameras don't like sand.

4) Reenacting that scene from "From Here to Eternity" won't have the same zing if wearing maternity panties.

5) The secret to my future happiness was in nothing that was said back then, it was in Linda's example: Kindness. Just that. Kindness.

6) And wherever "here" is, it will never be so far from "there". Both places are indelibly a part of me. It keeps my perspective grounded.

So, who would have guessed that doting mommy living with her tall husband in Pleasantville - the lady who manages programs larger and more expensive than governments of many small nations - would have, long ago, spent a tortured week bottoming out in a Red Roof Inn?

Yeah. So. The good news is that I became this person from those experiences. The bad news is, with those experiences I'll never be President.

As. If.

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Tagged: Corporate, Mommy, Life


wow. your blogging for books entry was the first I have ever read by you, munu sister :), and I will be back for more. thank you for sharing such a personal experience with all of us.

My sisters and I often talk about people who have been through 'character building' experiences and come out on top (like you have) as 'people like us'. Most of my best friends are in that category. Some of the best writers I have ever read are in that category too. there's something that sets us apart from those who haven't had their evolutionary crises yet. I think it's an inner strength and beauty that only those who have hit rock bottom can understand.

Thank you again hon :).

Posted by: goldie on October 13, 2004 08:43 PM

I tried to find a place to post a comment on your Blogging for Books entry -- and I couldn't find a place to comment.

I have a good understanding of what it is like to be in an abusive relationship. The power these men exert is incredible. They are master manipulators. I think we are strong women - and yet they can nearly make us powerless. They drain you down to nothing and it takes a ton of energy and determination to get back up again -- but we did it!

It feels good to survive, doesn't it? To make a come back, to be blessed with a happy life -- and to know that you are the good and they are the evil!

I am happy that you are happy and have survived. Cheers to you.

Posted by: Fredette on October 12, 2004 02:02 PM

Epiphanies are for putting under a glass bell to look at the sparkly colors and lights and remembering the magical moment when they smacked you on the head. At least, that's what mine is for-sometimes I even take it out from the glass and try it on with a feather boa.

Yours sounded beautiful.


Oh yes-and I would so have written you in as my presidential candidate.

Posted by: Helen on October 12, 2004 02:25 AM

I loved, loved? is that a good word, your story. I am glad that you have been able to move past and that you have become a better person. You bring "that that does not kill you makes you stronger" saying to mind. I hope you win the contest, but in so many ways you have already won. Thanks for sharing part of your life with us.

Posted by: Chica on October 11, 2004 09:15 PM

Exactly what I was thinking ben. Corporate Mommy for President! WOW for that story! You amaze me!

Posted by: Jazzy on October 11, 2004 05:02 PM

You'd make a much BETTER president than any of the current or recent choices. Something to think about.

Posted by: ben on October 11, 2004 04:56 PM