You are braver than you think.....and I am awed by it.

Elizabeth, I hate that all of you had to go through this, I'm so happy that CD is so much better now.

I BELIEVE that this will be better. It sounds so scary, understandably so, but I believe it will be wonderful too.

Hugs, and happy new year. May this year bring you buckets of joy, love, and good health.

That's very hard. I have wondered for awhile what he had. Thank you for sharing it. I think it is helpful to others to hear about these type of struggles (although I know it's not your point or problem to help the rest of us along.)

Maybe mega could just switch you to another dept with a reasonable boss? Maybe it's too late for that...

Good, good luck. You'll find your way.

Elizabeth,
I am on your side. You are not alone. The road ahead is full of possiblities, both good and bad. There are a lot of people cheering for you. There is a lot of hope, but that doesn't make it any less scary.

I don't have any advice that you haven't heard before. But I want you to know that I am here and thinking of you and CD and Bear.

Just hugs. xx

Nice post. I'm root'n for ya!

I too suffer from clinical depression, which is must recently renamed, major depression. This is major alright. It has claimed some good years of my life and casted a doubt of the future years of my life. I take daily mediciation now, but it's a day to day s truggle. The stringent rules of life keep me from going over the edge, I want to, really, honestly. It's just too expensive, I'm the only one working in my household and I carry all the weight of everything. The medical benefits are my most important thing, since I have depression, it isn't cheap to treat. Honestly, now that I know I've suffered from this since college, I cannot go back. The days were to dark. The nights were too short, the slience went on for too long.

You are not doing your husband any favors by hiding this. My family doesn't know I suffer, becaue I cannot bring myself to talk about it.
So, it's great for me to be 900 miles away from my family because I can suffer in private. Depression has robbed me of my confidence, my esteem and some friendships. It makes me scared, vunerable, and basically scared to death.

I want to quit my job every day, but I have to suck it up and stay silent, for my family needs me. I need them. It's ten fold.

You can always begin looking for work at another mega if your scared you'll miss the stress and drama. Really, it's over rated. It's funny with financial problems, we had to hit rockbottom, face foreclosure on our house and move to realize we were on the brink of disaster. You can live on less money, but you cannot let your soul go bankrupt. Bear will love you either way. He can go without extras, just as we can for the sake of sanity.

Good Luck in Your Journey. Have you pursued any mental health support for yourself?

ANother Jen

Elizabeth - there are no guarantees in life. None. Not one. Ever. You think when you fall in love and get married, that this is forever, life is set, we're going to walk down the golden path together. You know that's not true, you've been there. Enough to know this when you and CD got married.

You couldn't predict that he would become clinically depressed or that you would recognize it when he did, you've fought hard for this life with him that you have. You couldn't predict that you'd have high blood pressure when you were a carefree 20 year old but here you are at 40 with high blood pressure. You couldn't predict you would have a beautiful 5 year old Bear when you were pregnant and immediately sent to a high risk pregnancy practice. There is no way to solve the vague problems of the future rolling around in your brain. As Uncle Mike once very sagely told me, things never turn out as awful as your imagination thinks they will. Breath.

Yes, looking at life after MEGA looks scarey and foggy. Things will change, some for the better ... no more a##hole bosses or clients for that matter. Less money and living on a much tighter budget for another. BUT it's only a job and there will be other jobs out there when you need to have another job. Betcha you could probably find another job with comparable pay and benefits within six weeks if you really put your mind to it. You have chosen to step off this corporate path onto another path because you are choosing a different way to find peace and harmony that being a coporate slave to the MEGA companies of the world cannot offer you. Worrying about what may or may not happen is not a solution to what ails your psyche. Change the way you are looking at this as a celebration ofwhat is to come.

Take a big red marker and tomorrow write a bit V on the sunday day of the calendar, on Monday write a big I, C on Tuesday, T on Wednesday, O on Thursday, R on Friday and Y on Saturday. Victory! Start humming the victory song while you work, gonna get my butt right outta here inless than two weeks. Every time someone at MEGA makes a request just tell them you'll do your best but your last day is XXXX. Better yet ask them who you are turning over your duties to so you can meet with that person to brief them. Hum that victory song of leaving for a better,calmer and happier life.

love - autie marfa

Your posts make me breathless because I feel like I'm living through this with you. You are an AMAZING writer.

I don't have any advice. I just believe in you and your ability. With all my heart. I just really believe that you have the talent (not to mention the business savvy) to achieve your heart's desire.

Hang in there!

I've been where you are, though *I* was the one who was depressed. I also had an anxiety disorder that was caused by an organic problem with my brain chemistry. I got it under control with medication, lifestyle changes and a lot of support. Things are normal now and better than ever, with no meds. However, it was a long while before my husband felt "safe", felt that the "cure" was working and permanent. Being depressed is hellish and being the support person in that relationship with someone who's depressed is just as hellish.

It sounds to me like you are drained dry, emotionally, tired and scared. That is all normal and how anyone would be feeling in your shoes.

When our first child was 2 and I was pregnant with our 2nd child, both my husband and I turned down very lucrative, high powered jobs. We didn't want to live in Manhattan and we wanted to spend time with our kids, rather than at work. We made the decision to work at much lower-paying, more flexible and family friendly jobs. My husband manages a fine wine store and I'm a preschool teacher 5 mornings a week. We had a similar panic reaction about how in the world we were going to live on less than half our combined salaries.

Now we're a family of five, living on not that much more than when we switched jobs. It works, though. We live by the budget, we've paid off about $5,000 in debt in the past 2 years and I don't think we lack anything we really need. We don't have big screen tv's, ipods or too many other "toys". We do have lots of family time, family movie and game nights, lots of time volunteering at our kids' school and many really good memories for us and our kids.

The stuff we thought we couldn't live without? We don't miss it.

Try www.mytotalmoneymakeover.com for some budgeting advice. That site turned our finiancial lives around a year ago.

I'm with Amy! This is also a "flak free" post!I've also been lurking on this site because I have lived through so much of what you have and at my critical breaking point, made similar decisions. I also sense that you have lost the vision and the confidence in your own skills and as I said in an earlier post are spiraling down into a pit of indecision and self doubt. Once trapped, it seems impossible to get out and there seem to be no options available...everydoor is locked or every hallway leads no where. DON'T DO WHAT I DID...I totally cut off all my friends and most of my family because they "didn't understand what I was going through" and I felt betrayed by their loving advice and strategies. I didn't realize until just recently as we have been going through our financial hell that they all DID know some of the agonies I was living with. People may not be in the very same situation that you or I are in, but they ALL have the same life changing decisions that need to be made and experience the same darkness of the soul that you are in now.

If you can't rely on your husband for the emotional support you need due to his own issues, strength the "safety net" elsewhere....rely on your friends, your family, your blog community. You are not cutting him out and you are not betraying any relationship but you are creating an emotional network that you can use when you need it. In many cases of clinical depression, the patient feels that they can not meet the expectations and wants of their partner which pushes them even farther into the depths of their despair. As Amy said, he can sense your concerns about his condition and I'm sure in his dark nights that is causing him to question his ability to meet the demands of this situation.
As I sat in my shower crying one day because I felt that I couldn't take one more thing on the plate God gave me, I happened to really listen what was on the radio. It was a beautiful flute trio by Beethoven and as a musician, that was my epiphany. Here was a man who lost it all, his hearing, his friends, his livlihood. He was in a depression, cut off all his communications with friends and family and was on the point of suicide but yet, lived his dream and created works of such beauty, they live today. I began to fill my life with music and poetry to keep the goblins away. Even though my heart was breaking and every day was a challange just to struggle through, I kept performing and singing to elevate my soul. I treasured every moment with my son and created new traditions to drive the demons away which we did as a family. I reread the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling to keep my ballast, I prayed and meditated to stabilize my soul...not hours and hours but just a moment here and a few minutes there. I paused to look at the beauty around me and moved out of myself into the world. I practiced random acts of kindess just to get a "Thank you" from strangers and kept smiling through tears.

You are talented, articulate, bright, and caring. These qualities will enable you to move through this crisis with grace. There are so many options available to you,...if you can't see that, write down all your skills and then beside them write a possibility for employment on YOUR terms. Treasure what you have, including these posts from caring cyber friends because we have been in the place you are and want to help you out of this dark space as fast as we can.
All of our prayers and hopes are with you....we are your friends!

And can I assume he is under treatment for depression?

I have a related mood disorder. It sucks to be depressed, it sucks worse when people around me do not understand how very very bad it gets and that I can't just snap out of it...BUT with treatment I don't have to fall back in the pit.

Practicallly speaking, I also recommend to both of you that you get into an exercise regimen. It combats stress and is a natural antidepressant as well. I do it as part of my wellness strategy, and it really helps.

You are gonna be fine. And getting away from your job's bullcrap will certainly help!

No flak here.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression four years ago. I fight it every day.

I will only reiterate that you can lean together. And some day soon, I hope you'll look back upon this time and. . .well, not laugh, but remember the time you learned to trust your instincts.

Hang in there. You are loved.

{{{{{{{{{ E }}}}}}}}}}

Elizabeth,
I can't imagine what you're going through right now and I'm not sure if I would have the strength to do what you're doing. If I was you, I would probably require the Tums distribution truck to stop at my house in the morning and I would be having to have a *few* glasses of wine to get myself to sleep. The stress you're going through must be unreal! Once I just THOUGHT about leaving my job and I couldn't sleep.
I'm here cheering you on. Here's to walking through that door and finding out what's on the other side. No one could walk through this without fear. You are BRAVE, girl.
Rhonda

E- I've been reading your blog since introduced by a friend (quite a while ago, mostly lurking)... not only do I admire your strength on almost a daily basis, I admire your emotional well being. You are in tune with yourself in a way I wish I was.

What you have provided during CD's illness is so admirable. It's time to breath deep, relax and let him take over for a while... if it doesn't work, you are a resourceful woman who will do what you need to if the time comes. Don't doubt your decision to leave Mega. You'll be fine. It may not be easy, but if things get hard, it'll work out. Just have faith.

Know there is a huge network of people out here that may be able to help if times get rough.

Enjoy Bear while you can, kids grow too fast.

Elizabeth-I don't think it's flak we are sending. I think your readers (who feel like your friends) are trying to remind you that you are engaging in unproductive and even self-destructive thinking, that it isn't going to help you, and that you have to manage the fear, take control of it, before it overruns your life at a time when you cannot afford it. The comments I read are overwhelmingly loving and supportive, but at the same time trying to help you to a better place. One of the telltale signs of depression is what I call 'wallowing,' when one sits in misery unable to garner any strength or energy for productive change. I know whereof I write: I was married to a man who had clinical depression for a long time. I emailed you privately to offer to share with you you some of the concerns I had for you based on your writings, and some coping strategies I developed through time and pain, hoping to help you avoid or at least navigate more easily through this part, which I was pretty sure would be inevitable. I didn't want to post anything too intimate about you OR me on the comment section. You never responded, which, of course, was completely your choice to make. But now that you are at this stage of the game, it's all hitting the fan and the fact is that you don't have confidence in your husband. You are afraid to lean on him with all your weight. Don't think he doesn't sense it. You are afraid about 'what if it happens again' and 'what if I'm burning a bridge (at Mega) that I could need later' and 'could I go through it (the depressive episode) again if I have to' and so on. It seems to me that you have thought this decision through fairly thoroughly and the choice to leave Mega is a solid one. I trust that it was a mutual decision between you and CD. You still (as I & others have commented before) have lots of other options for consulting work, part time work, other transitional-career work which you could easily balance with taking care of Bear and your home and help contribute financially with far less stress and pressure than you have been experiencing at Mega. You are closing the door at Mega, but not the door to your entire professional life. I believe it is very important for you to work your hardest at keeping the stress level down as much as possible, at pushing the rational part of your brain to the forefront, giving your emotions a firm talking to and sending panic packing down the street. The panic and spiraling fearful thoughts aren't good for you, Bear, or CD. Your fear about his depression only serves to remind him of the past and reinforce any uncertainties he has about the future as well.
This change is scary, it is unknown, to be sure. But I would recommend a lot of positive team self talk, lots of 'we're in this together' and 'we can make it.'
The fact is, no one knows what the future holds- there are lots of unpredictable wild cards that life throws at us along the way. But you'll deal with them as they come - you can't possibly anticipate or plan for all of them ahead of time. And if you enter into the unknown with more fear than confidence, it will be that much harder.
There's some old musical (maybe The King and I?) with a song about "Whenever I feel afraid..." and while VERY corny, it has a good catchy message. Might help as a little mantra. And at this point in time, every positive helpful upbeat reassuring message will add a little bit until you beat back the darkness and dance in the light. Not denial, just choosing to focus on other parts of the truth, the positive parts (of which there are many) not the negative ones (of which there are many as well).
You can do it. No flak here, just a reminder of what's really true. Keep writing, keep reading your comments. There are lots of good words of support and encouragement here.